What I Want My Daughter to Understand About Dating

Ah, my first date. I was nearly 14 and it was with a boy named Tommy. We found ourselves nestled in the back row of the cinema, half-heartedly watching a flick while mostly indulging in make-out sessions until the tear-jerking ballad “It Might Be You” faded into silence and the usher gave us a knowing glance. It was exhilarating.

For two solid weeks, Tommy and I held hands under the lunch table and snuck kisses behind the gym until the bell rang. We spent hours sighing into the phone, longing for each other. I wished that moment could last forever, but soon enough, Tommy dumped me for Sarah. Heartbroken, I questioned if I had done something wrong. Spoiler alert: I hadn’t. The teenage heart is often swayed by the whims of youth. I was tentative yet hopeful; Tommy, well, he was just a teenage boy. Clearly, we weren’t destined to be.

Now, my eldest daughter is 14 and teetering on the edge of her own dating adventures. Compared to my experience, her dating scene is a whirlwind. It’s no longer just “dating.” Instead, two people are often “talking,” which is more like a digital merry-go-round of messages that falls somewhere between “just friends” and “hooking up.” The art of conversation has been replaced by texts, sexts, Instagram stories, and Snapchat streaks at ungodly hours. Gone are the days of simple movie dates or ice cream outings; now they often hang out in groups, making it difficult to discern meaningful interactions. Add to that the overwhelming societal expectations for girls regarding appearance and behavior, and teen dating can feel downright daunting.

With the complexities of social pressures, the speed of digital communication, and the layers of secrecy modern technology introduces, the concept of healthy teen relationships seems almost impossible. While things have changed since my day, the struggle to navigate feelings and desires remains the same.

Although I may not be privy to all the details of my daughter’s budding love life, I do have some nuggets of wisdom to share. So, before you dive into the world of dating, dear daughter, here’s what I think you should keep in mind:

1. Embrace Your Emotions.

Love can be the highest high and the lowest low. Your heart will soar when your crush reciprocates, and it will crash when things don’t go your way. Learning how to handle emotional rollercoasters is a part of growing up. Yes, it’s risky to put yourself out there, but the exhilaration is worth it. Practice entering and exiting relationships, and learn how to cope when the rush of being wanted fades.

2. Stay Authentic.

Stick to your core values, friendships, and beliefs. Be open about your feelings regarding everything from boundaries to parties. It might feel awkward at first, but honesty is crucial; if you can’t be yourself in a relationship, it’s not the right one for you.

3. Know What You Want.

Don’t wait for your crush to invite you out. If you like someone, let them know! The same goes for physical interactions. If you desire something from your partner, speak up. Your feelings matter too.

4. Remember: No Means No.

You’ll encounter pressure to engage in activities you’re not comfortable with, whether it’s sending a risqué photo or being alone with someone. Always remember you have a choice. The social fallout might feel overwhelming, but prioritize your well-being. If someone doesn’t respect your boundaries, it’s time to walk away. You can always reach out to me if you need support. As your grandmother wisely says, “If you’re ever in doubt, don’t.”

5. Sexting Isn’t Dating.

Digital exchanges or physical interactions don’t define a relationship. While they might signal interest, they shouldn’t be the sole basis for your connection. Remember, hookups and sexting can be fun but may also become disrespectful or harmful. Seeking an emotional connection filled with kindness, understanding, and mutual respect is entirely valid; if that’s lacking, move on.

6. Keep It Simple.

Spending time with someone you like shouldn’t be a puzzle. The goal is to enjoy each other’s company. If the fun dissipates or the relationship feels off-balance, take a step back and reassess. You have your whole life ahead of you for complicated entanglements, so keep it straightforward for now.

7. Show Kindness.

Everyone has feelings. If someone asks you out and you’re not interested, you don’t have to say yes, but try to say no gently. The same goes for breakups — don’t procrastinate out of guilt. Being honest, even when it’s tough, is the kindest approach.

8. Prioritize Self-Love.

Regardless of who you date or who finds you appealing, always believe in yourself. Your thoughts, feelings, and desires are significant. Crushes may come and go, but you will always have yourself, so nurture your inner self.

My dating days are well behind me. Now, it’s my daughter’s turn to feel the thrill of a first date, the dizzying rush of love, and the heartache of breakups. I’m excited for her — and if I’m honest, a little envious too — because nothing quite compares to teenage love.

But let’s not call it that, because “romance” isn’t a thing anymore. Duh.

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Summary:

This article offers heartfelt advice from a mother to her 14-year-old daughter about navigating the complex world of teenage dating. It explores the emotional ups and downs of young love, the importance of self-awareness, and the necessity of honesty and kindness in relationships. With insights on setting boundaries and recognizing the value of emotional connections, it aims to equip young women with the tools they need to approach dating with confidence and clarity.