Dear Kids: Kindly Stay Out of My…Everything

Ah, children. They’re such a blessing, aren’t they? Remember the days before you came along? When we could just go out and buy nice things without a second thought? And when we brought those lovely items home, they stayed exactly where we left them—safe and sound? Ah, those were the days.

Now, with you in the picture, it feels like everything has been turned upside down—our homes, our cars, and even our sanity. What kind of magic do you possess that allows you to find and ruin everything I cherish?

I’ve decided to pen you an “open letter,” mostly because you’re so adept at opening things and leaving them wide open. You probably won’t read it, and since it’s open, it will likely go stale in two days—much like the food in our pantry. But hey, I’ll write it anyway. Talking to myself has become a favorite pastime.

Dear Beloved Children,

You are truly the best part of my life. You give me purpose, and yet you also drive me completely bonkers. I love having you around—just not in my personal space all the time. I thought motherhood would transform me into a selfless, giving martyr 24/7. Spoiler alert: it didn’t turn out that way. Believe it or not, some things are still mine. Here’s a short list of places and items I would prefer you to steer clear of:

My Bed

I’ll admit it was nice when you were tiny and snuggly, but now you’re practically a foot taller than me. Sleeping with you now involves dodging limbs, random drooling, and, yes, that one time someone mistook my ear for a chew toy. It’s like sharing my bed with a heavyweight boxer.

My Guest Bathroom

This little sanctuary is the last remnant of my pre-kid life. It’s a serene space with crisp, white towels and fancy soaps—an oasis in this chaotic home. So, when you sprint in there after school to unleash chaos, it makes me twitch. Remember: you have your own bathroom, and my guest bathroom is not a playground.

My Purse

You seem to think my bag is a treasure chest for your random finds. If you enjoy rummaging through banana peels and old gum, then maybe parenthood is for you!

My Phone

Yours is always dead, so you turn to mine. But that’s why mine is also dead—because while I’m trying to have an adult conversation, you’re busy streaming shows or filming your dance moves. Thanks for that.

My Bedroom/Closet/Nightstand

Unless you want to stumble upon your old baby teeth or some, um, interesting keepsakes, perhaps it’s best to stay out of here.

My Makeup

This one’s mainly for your sister, of course. Unless your brother decides to embrace a new style involving eyeliner, he can keep his hands off my cosmetics.

My Good Chocolate

Please, go enjoy your Halloween leftovers and leave my fancy chocolates alone. You won’t enjoy them—they’re “spicy,” I promise.

My Plate

I could be savoring something exotic, and you’d still ask for a bite. And let’s not even discuss the aftermath of you spitting food back onto my plate instead of a napkin.

My Good Scissors

I had one perfect pair of scissors, but now I’m stuck using kiddie safety scissors covered in who-knows-what from the depths of my bag.

My Adult Conversations

It’s quite the challenge to navigate a serious discussion when you’re yelling about your latest potty adventure in the background. Of course, you’re in the guest bathroom again.

One day when I’m older and perhaps a little bit crazier, you’ll be helping me sort through the remnants of my shattered dreams, and you’ll say, “Sorry, Mom, for ruining your home and your hopes.” And then, you’ll probably place me in a home, visiting on Sundays just to snag my Jell-O.

Hopefully, you’ll have kids just like you, and they’ll return the favor!

Love,
Mom

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In summary, while kids are a joy, they also come with their fair share of chaos. Maintaining some personal space and belongings can feel like an uphill battle, but it’s all part of the wild ride that is parenthood.