To the Moms Navigating the Challenges of Raising Daughters

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In a striking moment from the series “Girls,” one character reflects on her experience as a mother to a daughter, saying, “I’m her mom, but it feels more like she’s my mom.” While that may sound absurd, I can relate. My journey with my daughter was…well, let’s just say it was a curveball. If you’re wondering what kind of person could say such a thing about her own child, I promise there’s a happy ending to this story.

I always envisioned myself as the mother of boys. The picture I painted in my mind featured a rowdy crew of four rambunctious boys (one being my husband), creating chaos and endless stories for my future. In my teenage babysitting days, boys were my go-to—less whining and more action suited me just fine.

When my husband and I welcomed our first child, a son, everything seemed to fall into place. I adored him from the moment I saw him on the ultrasound. Life with a newborn had its challenges—colic and breast milk struggles tested my resolve, but I treasured every milestone.

Then came the surprise of my second pregnancy while still navigating life with my firstborn. I was still adjusting to the chaos of having a newborn when my world flipped again. I was determined to build my family quickly, so I embraced this new pregnancy despite my initial skepticism.

From the start, this pregnancy was different. I was constantly nauseous and exhausted. As I battled the physical demands of my growing son, I could feel my dream of an all-boy household slipping away. When the ultrasound confirmed I was having a girl, I felt a mix of dread and disbelief. I asked the technician to seal the gender in an envelope because I wasn’t ready for that reality.

With encouragement from family, we hosted a gender reveal party, complete with a cake that would unveil pink M&Ms. I secretly hoped for blue, but even before my son discovered the truth, I knew. The room erupted in cheers while I felt a sinking weight of disappointment.

The months leading up to my daughter’s birth were filled with a sense of mourning for the family I had envisioned. I attended appointments out of obligation, cracking jokes about my reluctance, while deep down, I feared that I wouldn’t bond with her.

When my daughter, Lila Rose, arrived on April 28, 2015, eight days late—definitely a sign of her stubbornness—I was grateful for her health but still struggling with my feelings. The first few months were exhausting, filled with colic and sleepless nights. I cared for her physical needs but felt detached, wishing away her infancy while longing for the moments I was missing with my son.

You may be wondering how I didn’t get struck by lightning for feeling this way. It felt unnatural to not feel love for my newborn, and the guilt was overwhelming. I kept my feelings locked away, wondering how many other moms felt similarly.

It took me a full year to understand the value of the gift I had been given. Lila is everything I feared—willful, needy, and at times whiny. But she’s also incredibly smart and persistent, and I love her fiercely. She expresses love differently than my son, and I’ve come to appreciate it deeply.

Looking back, I realize my fears about having a daughter were more about my inadequacies. I worried that I wouldn’t be the confident, self-assured woman I thought she’d need. But now, I see that raising her is a journey that challenges me to grow. Facing my fears and embracing this role is exactly what I needed to build the strength and confidence I once doubted I had.

To all the moms who are anxious about raising a daughter: It’s okay to feel that way. Embrace those feelings. You’ll discover the purpose and joy in your role, managing it in your unique way. Be brave and walk confidently—you need her as much as she needs you.

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