During a chat with a friend, she asked me when I planned to have “the talk” with my kids. At the time, they were 4, 5, and 7, and when I told her I had already broached the subject with each of them, her jaw dropped. “Wow! I thought I had years until I needed to worry about that!”
As nice as that sounded, I learned the hard way that I had already missed the “ideal” window with my two oldest. They both got their first taste of sexual education from their peers just weeks into kindergarten during recess. It was both shocking and a bit disturbing to realize how early these conversations were happening. I certainly wasn’t talking about sex at that age!
My oldest came home one day and asked if sex was just rubbing privates together. I panicked and thought, “Oh no, there’s a ‘bad’ influence in his class!” Then it happened again when my daughter was in kindergarten. She informed me that her friends Tommy and Sarah “did sex on the bus.” Who knew five-year-olds were having such discussions?
After chatting with their teachers—who were surprisingly unfazed—I had to give myself a pep talk. I had to accept that my kids would encounter topics I wasn’t ready to explain yet. Welcome to parenthood, right? Are we ever truly prepared?
I jumped right into the conversation both times, explaining the basics of sex in a kid-friendly way. I didn’t have any books on hand, and honestly, I didn’t even have a plan. Like my friend, I thought I had time—plenty of time.
Surprisingly, the talks went smoothly. They were quick and painless, and the looks of disgust on their faces when I explained what sex actually was were priceless. They didn’t have many questions in that moment, but they’ve asked plenty since, which reassures me that they feel comfortable coming to me.
I stressed that sex isn’t something to discuss at school and that they should always ask an adult—preferably me or their dad—if they have questions. I’ll be honest; I worried they might still spill the beans. Nobody wants to be the parent of the kid leading a sexual education seminar on the playground!
Before my youngest started kindergarten, I took the opportunity to have brief, honest talks with him about bodies and sex. I didn’t use cutesy names for body parts or change the subject if he asked something awkward. I listened, gauging when he was ready to move on, ensuring I was the first voice he heard on the topic.
After some research, I discovered that kids around age 4 often become curious about sexuality. Often, they’re not aware there’s anything inappropriate about discussing it. And really, there’s nothing wrong with it, as long as they understand there’s a time and place for these conversations—which can be tricky to teach.
I frequently remind them not to go to school and educate others about sex, as that’s an adult responsibility. If something feels wrong, such as someone touching them inappropriately, they need to speak up. It’s been much easier to empower my kids about acceptable language and behavior since they have a basic understanding of their bodies.
Now that my children are older (13, 11, and nearly 10), discussing more complex questions about sex feels much more natural because we’ve been open about it from the start. With so much information readily available online, I need to maintain a strong voice as things only get more complicated.
I’m confident my kids will feel they can approach me with questions because I’ve been transparent with them. That doesn’t guarantee they will, but I believe I’ve done my best to keep the lines of communication open.
I stand by my choice to have “the talk” at a young age. I never want my kids to feel shame around such an important subject. This approach has also made it easier to address challenging topics like drinking, drugs, relationships, abuse, and consent.
While this may not be the right approach for every family, it’s worked for us. I spoke with each child individually to minimize any silliness that can come with group discussions. Every conversation since has been unique, and I know my method may not suit other families—every child absorbs information differently. It’s essential to do what feels right for you as a parent. For me, discussing sex early has provided peace of mind, and in today’s world, that counts for a lot.
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Summary
Discussing sex with kids before kindergarten might seem premature, but it can be essential. This proactive approach can set the stage for open communication and understanding about their bodies and healthy relationships as they grow. Each family will find their own path, but starting early can provide peace of mind.