10 Things I Wish I Could Tell My Gynecologist

1. Can We Skip the Scale? Honestly, I’m bloated for most of the month. I don’t need to be reminded of my weight with three glaring numbers. How about a quick visual assessment instead? If it looks like I’ve indulged in a few too many donuts, let’s just roll with it.
2. Where’s the Coat Rack? Just once, I’d love to walk into an exam room and find a proper place to hang my coat and clothes while I’m being poked and prodded. I’m tired of stuffing my undies into my jeans and leaving them on a chair that’s seen far too many naked backsides.
3. The Date of My Last Period? Ha! You must be joking. I can barely remember what I had for breakfast, let alone when my last period was. It’s been about a month, so let’s get this exam over with already!
4. Can We Dim the Lights? You know what kills a girl’s vibe faster than a bad hair day? Harsh fluorescent lighting. It’s like a spotlight on my flaws. Is there really no way to tone it down a little?
5. Do You Have a Bigger Cover-Up? Seriously, the paper-thin drape isn’t cutting it. I’m not a toddler! I weigh more than 50 pounds, and I need something more substantial than a doily to cover up. Maybe I could borrow one of those fabric room dividers?
6. Can I See the Stirrups? If I could see the straps, I’d definitely get my ankles in there. But instead, I’m lying on my back, trying to focus on anything but the awkwardness. Come on, help a girl out—make it feel like a spa day!
7. I Can Slide Down More, But… Honestly, I’d rather not land my behind on your shoes. Getting into position on that examination table feels like a dangerous game of Twister, and the last thing I want to ask is, “Is this far enough?”
8. Why is Everything So Cold? From the doctor’s frosty hands to that contraption that looks like it belongs in a medieval dungeon, everything feels like it’s been pulled straight from the freezer. Can we get a warming tray or, you know, a glass of wine?
9. You’ve Tunnelled to China! Yes, it’s a bit painful. I know you’re supposed to ask how I’m feeling, but let’s be real. We’re all adults here, so let’s just assume it hurts and ask for a scale of one to ten—one being a toddler tantrum and ten being a stubbed toe.
10. Where Are My Parting Gifts? Hello? Do I not get a little something for enduring all that poking? The dentist gives me a toothbrush; the eye doctor sends me home with free contacts. What about a little something for my troubles? Even a sticker would be nice, or maybe a discount for an at-home insemination kit.

home insemination Kit

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