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Even Great Parents Can Raise Challenging Adults
I was having a chat with my friend from church, Lisa. She’s in her early 30s, has brown hair, and a petite frame. Like me, she’s married and has two kids, while my partner and I are navigating the chaos of three. During our conversation, we reminisced about peers from our past who grappled with various life challenges. We shared stories about men who couldn’t shake off their cheating ways and had already cycled through two or three marriages by the time they hit 30. We discussed women caught in similar situations, as well as friends who struggled to hold down jobs, maintain sobriety, or avoid jail time.
In essence, we were trying to make sense of those we once knew who had the potential to achieve more but somehow fell short. Naturally, this led us to ponder how their upbringing might have played a role in their current predicaments.
As we talked about our own children and their futures, we couldn’t help but reflect on the examples set by those around us. We wondered what went right for some and what went wrong for others, all while contemplating how we could influence our children’s paths in a positive way. It’s a common theme among parents—looking at their kids and predicting whether there’s a necessary intervention to prevent them from making poor choices in life.
The harsh reality is that no parent has all the answers. No matter how stellar your parenting skills are—whether you’re instilling responsibility, teaching kindness, or providing ample opportunities—there’s always a chance that one of your children might end up being the “bad apple” of the family, straying far from your hopes and dreams.
As a dad of three, I find this thought particularly daunting. I genuinely adore my kids and want nothing more than for them to grow up to be successful and compassionate individuals. If I had to outline my aspirations for them, it would be this: I want them to surpass me in every way possible. I want them to be better parents, earn more, receive a higher education, and live in a lovely neighborhood. I hope they find love that is mutual and view marriage as a partnership, while also being generous to those in need and embracing all individuals, regardless of their background.
Achieving this vision entails countless decisions, lessons, and experiences at various stages of their development. The worry is that I might mess it up somehow.
What adds complexity to my concerns is reflecting on friends from my past. Some had fantastic parents yet didn’t turn out well, while others with terrible parents blossomed into incredible individuals. This begs the question: how much influence do I truly have over my children’s upbringing?
My own father was often seen as the “bad egg.” He spent much of my teenage years behind bars and succumbed to his addictions shortly after his fourth divorce. He seemed to approach relationships like a business, moving on whenever things got tough. For a long time, I feared I was destined to follow in his footsteps. Many people even predicted that I would.
Yet, here I am—thankfully not repeating his mistakes. While I wouldn’t call myself wildly successful, I am in my first marriage, have never been incarcerated, don’t drink (thanks to my dad’s example), and completed college.
My desire to succeed has largely stemmed from witnessing the consequences of my father’s poor choices. This leads me to wonder if his negative example has served as a twisted motivation for me—an unsettling and complicated thought.
Raising children is fraught with variables, and I’m not suggesting parents should throw up their hands and let fate take the wheel. However, I often reflect on the inherent uncertainties of parenting; despite our best efforts, one or more of our kids might still turn out to be a disappointment. They might grow into unmotivated adults, leaving us to question where we went wrong. This doesn’t mean that we won’t love them unconditionally. I know in my heart that I will always love my children, but it’s a bittersweet reality when you feel disillusioned by their choices. I’ve seen that disappointment in my grandmother’s eyes each time she visited my father in jail.
Ultimately, that’s what Lisa and I were trying to articulate during our church conversation—though we struggled to find the right words. At the end of our chat, she complimented my parenting. “You really care about your kids. You have nothing to worry about,” she said. I returned the sentiment, praising her efforts with her own children.
We shared a moment of silence, caught up in our thoughts, trying to figure out what we were doing right, where we might be falling short, and hoping like all parents do that our kids will grow up to be extraordinary individuals. In truth, I believe that hope is at the core of parenting. It’s about guiding your child toward the right path, imparting lessons, and praying that you’ve done everything possible to nurture them into good people.
If you’re interested in learning more about navigating parenting challenges, check out this resource. For those looking to delve deeper into family planning resources, this site offers a wealth of information. Additionally, for insights into pregnancy and fertility preservation, this podcast is an excellent resource.
Summary:
The author reflects on conversations with a friend about the unpredictability of parenting and how, despite good intentions and efforts, children may not always turn out as hoped. They share personal experiences and observations about friends, family, and the complexities of raising kids, ultimately emphasizing the role of hope in parenting.