An Open Letter to My Metabolism

home insemination Kit

Updated: March 19, 2018

Originally Published: Oct. 17, 2016

Dear Metabolism,

How’s it going? I feel like we’ve been distant lately. Remember those carefree days when I was 20, devouring a whole Totino’s party pizza for lunch and confidently slipping into a bikini right after? I could indulge in an actual cheeseburger—complete with cheese and buns—and then crank out ten push-ups, and you’d be right there, revved up and ready to burn it all off. Ah, those glorious bikini days! I really miss them.

We need to chat because this relationship seems a bit lopsided now. For the past week, I’ve been diligently sipping on green smoothies for breakfast. Ever seen one? It’s like baby poop mixed with that green slime I once saw after too many jello shots. I choke down the shake, do a few sit-ups to get you fired up, and then…nothing. My body still jiggles like a bowl of jelly, and it’s getting old.

Let’s be real—you’ve gotten a bit lazy. You don’t check in, don’t call, and certainly don’t let me enjoy cake without it showing up on my hips. I love cake, Metabolism! Can’t we find a way for you to work a little harder on that? I’m even willing to sacrifice my beer on Sundays for football, and we can discuss last Friday’s ice cream binge if you could just compromise on the cake front.

I’ve been putting in the effort! I’m exercising more, munching on smaller, frequent meals—all the things you told me would make you happy. But every time I step on the scale and struggle to fit into my jeans, I feel let down. You’ve failed me, Metabolism. The scale knows it. My favorite jeans know it. I know it.

I really need you to step up. Take those twelve almonds I munched on at 10 a.m. and do your thing—let’s turn those into something useful. I even choked down a celery stick recently! I had to slather it with three heaping spoonfuls of peanut butter just to make it remotely enjoyable. But hey, peanut butter is protein, right? So that’s a win, yes? I’m just trying to figure out what makes you happy these days. Low fat? High protein? No carbs? I’m willing to do it all.

And can we talk about how you seem to be spending more time with my husband? That guy can eat whatever he wants, gain a couple pounds, and he’s back to normal in no time. Not fair!

I admit, I haven’t been perfect. I went a bit wild on those nachos last night, and yes, I need to revisit what a “glass of wine” really means. Oh, and maybe bingeing on chocolate chips during PMS was a tad excessive. But you used to be so lively and enthusiastic! Now it feels like you’ve lost interest in me.

So here’s the deal: I promise to cut out the Doritos and tequila benders, and in return, how about you let me enjoy cake without it turning into a muffin top? I’m ready to improve our relationship; you just need to show up every now and then.

With love and hope,
Moms Everywhere