I Will Never Tell My Sons to “Toughen Up”

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There are many things I never anticipated saying to my sons—like “Please don’t use the couch as a trampoline,” or my personal favorite, “Stop pretending your broccoli is a dinosaur.” And while I’ve found myself indulging in some parenting practices I once swore I’d avoid—hello, extra screen time and an occasional pizza night—there’s one phrase I can confidently say will never escape my lips.

I will never tell my sons to “toughen up.”

People go to great lengths to empower their daughters (and rightly so!) by encouraging them to pursue any path that interests them. The next generation of girls isn’t typically instructed to “act like ladies” as previous generations were. Instead, they’re motivated to break free from traditional gender roles and venture into spaces historically dominated by men, striving for equality at every turn. When a girl shows “boyish” traits, she’s celebrated for her strength and confidence in challenging societal norms.

Conversely, our sons are often burdened with the expectation to embody traits of masculinity—assertiveness, strength, stoicism, and athleticism. If they display any emotions deemed “feminine,” they’re labeled as weak and face the risk of being overshadowed by peers who conform more easily to these expectations. It’s an unjust standard imposed on boys, and it’s downright heartbreaking.

As a mother of four sons, I’ve learned a thing or two about boys. They are inherently kind, empathetic, and tender-hearted until someone tells them they shouldn’t be. They experience the same array of human emotions—insecurities, fears, and sadness—as anyone else, but too often, they’re instructed to suppress these feelings because they are “not manly.” And where do those feelings go? They don’t simply vanish; they simmer beneath the surface, often manifesting as frustration or anger. If a boy momentarily loses control of his emotions, he risks being ridiculed. “Toughen up,” someone might say. “Don’t be a wimp.”

As a woman, I’ve always had the privilege of expressing my emotions freely. I can’t count how many times I’ve cried from disappointment or empathy without anyone batting an eye. If I tear up at a heart-wrenching ad about hunger, no one questions it. But if a man dares to show similar emotions, he’s expected to stifle them with a mere frown or a shake of the head.

By telling our boys to hide their feelings, we’re robbing them of the opportunity to cultivate essential emotional skills. They can’t fully connect with others if they aren’t allowed to experience and articulate their emotions. Moreover, they can’t genuinely empathize with others if they’re unfamiliar with their own feelings. The societal pressure to remain unemotional deprives them of the chance to grow into well-rounded individuals, impacting everything from personal relationships to career success. Why would we want this for the boys we cherish? Why would we want this for the men they will become?

One of the greatest gifts I can give my sons is the freedom to express their complete range of emotions. I’ll never tell them to hold back their tears. Instead, I embrace them and reassure them that it’s perfectly fine to feel sad, disappointed, or even overwhelmed. I will never dismiss their interests or emotions as “not for boys.”

For instance, my 4-year-old’s favorite footwear happens to be a pair of sparkly pink-and-purple My Little Pony Crocs, and he wears them with pride. When a child at the park told him they were “girl shoes,” he looked to me, concerned, and I reassured him that those are fantastic shoes and he should love them no matter what anyone else thinks. Preferences, like natural dispositions and temperaments, should never be restricted by gender.

That’s why I’ll never instruct my sons to “toughen up.” As long as society labels sensitivity and empathy as “girly,” we are doing a disservice to both our sons and daughters. There’s no hierarchy in emotional expression; we all share the same feelings, and we should all have the freedom to express them however they come naturally.

Boys will remain warm, loving, and feeling beings until society teaches them to conform to a narrow definition of masculinity. It’s time to rethink what it means to grow up as a boy.

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Summary: This article emphasizes the importance of allowing boys to express their emotions freely without the pressure to conform to traditional masculine ideals. It argues against the phrase “toughen up” and advocates for a more nuanced understanding of masculinity that embraces sensitivity and empathy. The author shares personal anecdotes to illustrate the need for emotional freedom in boys, promoting a more balanced approach to parenting.