I stood in front of the mirror, a 5’10” frame weighing a mere 100 pounds, wrestling with my beige work pants that felt tighter than I remembered. As I pulled the waistband away from my body, a familiar sense of panic washed over me at the sight of the 4-inch gap between my belly button and the zipper. I took a deep breath, trying to push back the rising tide of anxiety as I fastened my brown leather belt at its last hole.
For two years, I had been working in a bustling frozen yogurt shop, and now I was staring at a reflection of a scared, thin 18-year-old who had clung to the control of her body for four long years. With high school graduation looming and scholarships to an esteemed arts school in hand, I felt a flicker of determination ignite within me. I knew I had a purpose in life, but to pursue it, I had to conquer my battle with anorexia.
That day, I resolved not to let this insidious disease tighten its grip on me any further. The following years were tough, but they shaped my character. I engaged with a psychologist who helped me unpack my struggles, collaborated with a nutritionist who taught me to view food positively, and consulted doctors who monitored my health. Each day was a challenge as I faced my demons, but eventually, I managed to overcome my issues with food. Reflecting on this period, I consider my transformation nothing short of miraculous, especially as I hear stories of others who haven’t been as fortunate.
Time passed, and I experienced the ups and downs of life—graduating college, exploring various careers, and ultimately marrying. My past as a clinically diagnosed anorexic faded into the background, almost like a distant memory. I weathered some storms and emerged stronger.
Then one evening, while waiting for a parking spot at the gym, a wave of nausea hit me. This wasn’t the first time I’d felt it; I had been rushing to the bathroom all day. A quiet voice in my mind whispered, “You’re pregnant.” My heart raced as I abandoned the gym line and headed for the grocery store. At 34, I had never thought about having children—after all, doctors had warned me during my anorexia days that conceiving might be unlikely.
A recent, passionate night with my husband came to mind, and I realized this was it! I took a pregnancy test in a nearby coffee shop bathroom, and my suspicions were confirmed. I called my husband, and we celebrated our miracle together.
Initially, I was ecstatic about becoming a mom. For years, the guilt of potentially robbing myself of a family due to my eating disorder had weighed heavily on me. But as I reveled in the joy of impending motherhood, anxiety crept in, and the familiar grip of anorexia tightened around me once more. The thought of losing control of my body was terrifying. I knew I would change—my abs would stretch, I would gain weight, and my hips would widen. Panic set in as I wrestled with old habits I didn’t want to revive.
One night, the emotional turmoil became unbearable. I locked myself in my closet, sat on the floor, and called my mom. Tears of guilt and frustration flowed as I shared my struggles. Her support encouraged me to meet with my midwife the next day, where I opened up about my history with anorexia. To my surprise, she reassured me that my feelings were normal for those with eating disorders and that even women without such struggles often felt similarly.
A few nights later, I had an epiphany while wrestling with my weight gain fears. I reminded myself that I had already fought this battle and emerged victorious. “Anorexia, you dragon of despair, I defeated you years ago! You’re irrelevant to my life now.” Just like that, my anxiety vanished, leaving peace in its wake.
This journey illuminated an important truth: Every challenge can be conquered. We possess all the tools necessary to navigate hardships. What once threatened to consume us can become a strength. However, the ghosts of our past challenges may surface, and we must remind ourselves that they no longer hold power over us.
If you find yourself pregnant and grappling with an eating disorder, here are some important insights:
- Breathe and Know You’re Not Alone. What you’re experiencing is common, and many women share your feelings.
- Healing is Multifaceted. Overcoming the eating aspect doesn’t mean the emotional and mental challenges are gone. Anorexia often accompanies perfectionist tendencies, and it’s crucial to remain vigilant against falling into old patterns.
- Seek Support. If you feel overwhelmed by the loss of control during pregnancy, reach out to your partner, a friend, or a healthcare provider. Sharing your feelings can be incredibly freeing.
- Work with a Nutritionist. They can guide you in maintaining proper nutrition during your pregnancy, ensuring you and your baby stay healthy.
For further insights on overcoming challenges, check out this piece on home insemination. Additionally, Make a Mom is a fantastic resource for those navigating this journey, along with Progyny for comprehensive pregnancy support.
In conclusion, remember that you are not alone in this journey. If I can emerge from the shadows of an eating disorder, so can you.