I’ll Never Tell My Sons to ‘Man Up’

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“Man up.” “Be a man.” “Don’t be such a wuss.” “You’re a mama’s boy.” These phrases are all too common and frankly, they disturb me. I want to raise sons who are not only strong and capable but also kind and self-assured as they grow into adulthood. To me, that means instilling in them the confidence to embrace their true emotions, whether they’re experiencing sadness, fear, happiness, or excitement — and to remind them that it’s perfectly okay to be vulnerable rather than hiding behind a facade that society often imposes.

Why I Reject the Phrase “Man Up”

Telling boys to “man up” is just as outdated as telling girls to “act like a lady.” Here’s why:

Feelings are personal, and no one has authority over how a boy should feel except him. I never want my sons to think they have to suppress their emotions. Sadness, grief, and remorse are all natural human experiences. When we tell boys they shouldn’t feel sad, we inadvertently make them feel unworthy. This leads to shame around their emotions, and over time, that shame can morph into anger and frustration.

Boys can be both empathetic and tough. They can shed tears when they’re hurt, and they can jump for joy when they’re happy. If they happen to be stoic, great — but they should be doing it because it’s authentic to them, not because they feel pressured by societal norms. Hiding parts of themselves because they think they have to “be a man” only disrupts their sense of self.

It’s entirely possible to be strong and still cry. You can be courageous and still have moments of vulnerability. Imagine needing help, wanting to express your feelings, or wishing to stand up for someone, yet feeling you can’t because “real men don’t do that.” That’s a recipe for future therapy sessions, and while therapy can be beneficial, I’d rather my sons not feel they have to hide their true selves for decades.

Moreover, telling boys to “man up” sends the wrong message to girls. It implies that women aren’t strong and that men are inherently tougher. This kind of thinking perpetuates outdated stereotypes.

Boys are born emotional, just like girls. They cry, they express their feelings, and they explore interests without gender bias. Then they’re told to conform to a narrow definition of masculinity that discourages emotional expression and curiosity. The expectation to always be in control is not what defines manhood; responsible emotional management and confronting uncomfortable feelings do.

I understand that phrases like “man up” often come from older generations who were raised in times when men were expected to suppress emotions. While they may not know any better, I do, and I want more for my sons. I will never tell them to “man up” or “toughen up.” It’s not about being a “mama’s boy” — it’s about allowing them to be their authentic selves.

I’ll ask my sons about their feelings as much as I do with my daughter, even if they brush me off. Because if I don’t, I fear they’ll grow up feeling inadequate. There’s a strength in being able to express oneself, and that’s the ultimate goal: to raise confident, resilient children, regardless of gender.

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In summary, I’ll never tell my sons to “man up.” I want them to grow into emotionally intelligent, authentic individuals who can face the world with confidence and empathy.