What I Would Have Told My Younger Self After Experiencing Abuse

home insemination Kit

Dear little one,

I wish I could wrap my arms around you and offer the comfort you so desperately need right now. Your life feels completely turned upside down, and you’re grappling with something that’s hard to even comprehend. You’ve been hurt in ways that no child should ever endure, and it’s happened more than once. The violation of your innocence is something you don’t yet understand.

I see you walking through the door that day, confusion and fear etched on your face. It pains me deeply to know you felt you couldn’t share this with your parents. No child should have to carry such a heavy burden alone. The fact you felt you couldn’t speak to our mother about this is something I still struggle with. If my child were in your shoes, I would be devastated if they didn’t feel safe enough to come and talk to me.

That day marked the beginning of a chaotic childhood for you. You lay awake that night, replaying the events over and over, questioning if it was normal for a “doctor” to examine you in a dark, damp cellar. And why, if he was really a doctor, did he threaten you if you dared to tell anyone?

You were too young to make sense of it all. How could you? The concept of sex was foreign to you. But the unsettling pit in your stomach and the stinging pain when you went to the bathroom told you that something was terribly wrong.

It breaks my heart to think of you facing this alone, grappling with feelings that were far too complex for a child to handle. I wish I could sit beside you on your bed, gently stroking your hair and holding you close to help you feel safe again. I wish I could be the mother you needed in that moment.

Since you couldn’t share what happened, the pain manifested in other ways. How I wish I could make our mother see your behavior as a cry for help rather than an excuse for punishment and reprimands. Instead of nurturing, you faced confusion and sometimes even physical reprimands.

Then, fate decided to test you again. Someone you trusted, who was supposed to love and protect you, shattered that trust once more. The remnants of your faith in people were obliterated, and your adult self continues to grapple with that loss. Did he realize the long-term impact of his selfish actions on your life?

I see you replaying that scene, wondering if this is how all fathers treat their daughters. I wish I could tell you that “No, not all fathers are like that, and what he did was profoundly wrong.”

At just 12 years old, while your classmates were preoccupied with typical childhood interests, you sought to learn everything you could about touching. In our world, sex was a taboo subject, only whispered about in hushed tones. You had no access to the internet and turned to books instead, searching for answers in stories that were often graphic and confusing. I’m sorry you felt the need to go down that path.

Sweet child, no one was there to tell you this, and I apologize for the delay. You must hear it now: You are not to blame. You are incredibly brave. My heart aches as I realize how strong you were to keep moving forward and not let this break you. I’m wrapping you in a warm embrace now, whispering, “It’s going to be okay” because no one was there to reassure you back then. I’m saying sorry for those who should have, like our mother, who should have recognized the signs.

I’m so proud of you for standing tall today, for seeking help that you should have received long ago, and for creating a beautiful family of your own. It breaks my heart that your son had to endure similar pain, but I’m filled with pride over how he trusted you enough to share his experience and how you handled it with such grace. I only wish you’d had a mother like you.

I hope these words help you heal and release the weight of the past. I tried to give you the validation you deserved to hear. I know it’s not enough, but I’m here, and I’m sorry.