It happened again—I exploded at my partner.
It was a lazy Sunday afternoon after a week filled with stress, sleepless nights, and a cold that just wouldn’t quit. I had been trying to tackle some work while my partner, Jake, was taking our kids to Grandma’s for a little break. Finally, a chance to focus!
But then, this is how the “kids to grandma’s” outing unfolded: our 4-year-old was darting out into the chilly air without a jacket, while Jake was scrambling after him, totally forgetting the spelling words I reminded him about three times. And those dishes I asked him to handle that morning? They were still stacked high in the sink. Plus, I was feeling hangry because I’d spent the last hour preparing snacks for everyone but myself.
So, I rushed to the door, poked my head out, and yelled, “Come back here!” I then proceeded to list everything he’d messed up, shoving the jacket and spelling list into his hands while pointing dramatically at the overflowing sink.
In a calm and patient manner, Jake looked straight into my eyes and said, “Hey, it’s been a long week for me too. I’m sorry. Just take a deep breath and get some work done. We’ll be back soon.”
Honestly, he was right.
This isn’t always how it goes down, though—sometimes, he’s the one who snaps at me. But it’s a fact: regardless of how frustrating life can get, it’s unjust to vent all my frustrations on him.
I find myself doing this more than I’d like to admit. And he does, too. We’re typically patient and kind to others, and even when our kids drive us up the wall, we strive not to unleash our stress onto them. But when it comes to each other, those unwritten rules of decorum sometimes go out the window.
For instance, if I’m having a rough day unrelated to him and I see his socks tossed next to the hamper instead of in it, I might flip out, even if he’s been nothing but sweet all day. And if he’s had a rough day and tries to share, only for me to be glued to my phone, he might launch into a rant about how terrible I am at listening—not just today, but always.
While both of our complaints might hold some truth, we often let our tempers flare and our stress levels dictate our reactions.
I wonder if it’s a sign of love or trust. It’s akin to how our kids behave—they can be perfect angels at school or with friends, but when they come home, they unload all their angst in the safe space of unconditional love.
I feel fortunate to have a partner with whom I can be open about my feelings. Yet, I recognize it isn’t always the healthiest dynamic.
Sure, I need to express my frustrations when necessary, like when he leaves his things lying around or forgets how to dress the kids for the weather. But expecting perfection from our partners is unrealistic. After 15 years of marriage, I’ve learned that the saying “You get what you get, and you don’t get upset” applies to relationships too. To maintain a lasting partnership, you must embrace your partner’s quirks. If you can’t, your relationship may be in trouble.
So, no matter how much your partner irritates you or how challenging life gets, sometimes you just need to take a deep breath, grit your teeth, and resist the urge to explode. Even if you apologize later or make amends—no matter how much love is between you—taking it out on each other is never a good idea. Those small frustrations can accumulate and leave scars.
I understand the struggle; I see that PMS is on the horizon, and I know I’ll be ready to yell at Jake for forgetting the toilet seat again or for polishing off all the good snacks. But I’m determined to keep my mouth shut, stock up on my secret stash of Oreos before he can get to them, and maybe sneak away to indulge in peace instead of losing my cool. Well, that’s the plan, anyway!
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Summary:
Managing stress in relationships can be challenging, especially when we inadvertently take our frustrations out on our partners. It’s crucial to recognize our tendencies to lash out when we’re overwhelmed and to work on communicating effectively and compassionately. Embracing each other’s imperfections is key to a lasting partnership.