I Can Cover My Child’s College Tuition, But That Doesn’t Mean I Will

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Recently, I found myself chatting with a group of friends who are gearing up to send their seniors off to college in the fall. We dove into topics like empty nest syndrome, the stress of choosing a major, and the daunting reality of financing it all. As someone who still has a few years before my oldest heads off to college, these discussions have been quite an eye-opener.

One friend shared that her teenager is going to college as an undecided major. Honestly, I was taken aback. When I was 18, I couldn’t imagine telling my parents, “You know what? I’m not quite sure… I’ll figure it out while lounging in my cozy dorm.” Sure, my path was clearer—I always wanted to be a nurse. But I was also aware that my parents had two more kids to support through college, so I hustled to finish my degree on time.

As I contemplate the emotional rollercoaster that will accompany dropping off my son at his dorm, I’m also acutely aware of the financial commitment that comes with earning that degree. And let’s not forget, our daughter will be following a few years later. We could easily buy a Tesla every year for eight years or fork over the same amount for two college degrees. As much as I’d love those Teslas, being a responsible adult means prioritizing my kids’ education.

My husband and I started saving for college the moment our kids took their first breaths. We made an early commitment to cover their higher education costs, inspired by the support our families gave us. We’ve scrimped, saved, and invested any monetary gifts our children have received since birth. Thankfully, their college funds are looking pretty good.

However, while we’re willing to shoulder the financial burden, there’s a catch: they need to have a solid plan for their futures before I part with my hard-earned money. I refuse to pay for my child to spend four years figuring out who they are while enjoying frat parties and ski trips. My husband and I have worked too hard to save for an indecisive teen to waste it all on a quest for self-discovery.

When I voice these concerns to my friends, they chuckle and remind me that I sound like the overbearing dad from the film Some Kind of Wonderful. In the movie, the father has his son’s future meticulously planned, much to the son’s dismay. He pressures his kid about going to college because he never had the chance, only to see his son blow the college fund on diamond earrings and a date with the popular girl. The kid gets the girl, and the dad is left scratching his head wondering where he went wrong.

But I’m not that dad. I won’t force my kids into a specific career path or live vicariously through their choices. What I will say is that while I can pay for their education, I won’t let them squander that opportunity. I’ll happily support their journey, but they better have a clear direction in mind.

Many kids today are given the freedom to “find themselves” without being held to higher standards. Parenting has softened in some cases, and we’re raising a generation that feels entitled. My kids aren’t entitled to my money any more than I’m entitled to dictate their career choices. It’s a partnership, and together we need to ensure their education has real-world value.

As college approaches, we will help our kids “find themselves” long before they start spending our savings. We’ll engage in ongoing conversations about their aspirations, potential locations, and what truly brings them joy. I’ll take them to college campuses and reminisce about my own college days—though I’ll try not to cry too much as I help unpack his boxes in that tiny dorm room with a hefty price tag. And yes, I promise my tears will be from missing him, not the fact that I could’ve bought a Tesla instead.

This article first appeared on November 24, 2016.