I can still recall the first time I swatted my daughter. I also remember the moment I decided to send my son to time-out. Like every aspect of parenting, it’s essential to find the right strategy that aligns with our family’s values. Over time, I’ve realized that traditional methods like spanking and time-outs just don’t mesh well with my approach to raising kids.
The way we discipline our children should reflect how the world operates. When they grow up and make mistakes at work, their boss isn’t going to give them a whack on the behind and instruct them to ponder their actions. Instead, they will likely face a discussion about the impact of their choices on the project, their colleagues, and the organization. The repercussions will be natural, such as missing out on promotions or losing professional opportunities.
So, if that’s the reality they’ll encounter as adults, why should we employ different forms of punishment when they’re young? My parenting philosophy has evolved. I now think more creatively about discipline, tailoring consequences to fit the actions.
For example, if my son snatches a toy from his sister and dashes away, that’s a disciplinary moment. But does a spanking or time-out really address the issue? I don’t think so. I consider the real-world implications. When an adult takes something that doesn’t belong to them, it’s a crime, and the consequence can be serious—like jail.
In my home, if my son takes a toy from his sister, he loses one of his toys for a set time—one minute for each year of his age. This approach teaches him empathy, allowing him to understand how his actions affected his sister. It also highlights that consequences can be long-lasting; three minutes can feel like an eternity for a toddler.
Another scenario: my daughter makes a colossal mess with toothpaste, spreading it across the bathroom sink. What’s the natural consequence of such a mess? Cleaning it up! Instead of resorting to spanking, I tell her to grab a rag and tidy up the mess before she can leave the bathroom.
This method seems far more beneficial for her long-term learning than a quick swat. I want the lessons I impart—whether simple or complex—to be relevant to the real world and age-appropriate. At four years old, she should be able to connect the dots between her messy actions and the time she’ll need to spend cleaning them up. Similarly, my son will learn that taking something from someone else means he, too, risks losing something.
These disciplinary strategies make sense in the grand scheme of things. They build trust and empathy, demonstrating that real-world actions have corresponding consequences. Not everything in life can be resolved with a quick swat or a forced time-out (thank goodness!).
Ultimately, all our efforts should lead to raising children who are considerate, respectful, and capable of making the right decisions in challenging situations. While I’m not expecting perfection, I do hope for mindfulness, and I feel confident in this parenting choice.
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Summary:
In this article, Jamie Collins reflects on her shift away from traditional disciplinary methods like spanking and time-outs, advocating for consequences that mirror real-world scenarios. By tailoring discipline to the actions of her children, she aims to foster empathy and understanding, preparing them for the realities of adult life.