We Can’t Control How Our Kids Turn Out, But Don’t Freak Out Just Yet

Parenting is like navigating a ship through uncharted waters—no one really knows what they’re doing, and it’s entirely possible that despite your best efforts, your kids could end up being the black sheep of the family—the ones who strayed a bit too far from the tree. As a dad of three, I find this thought downright terrifying. I adore each of my kids, and I genuinely want them all to grow into kind, successful individuals. Ideally, I’d love for them to be even better people than I am. But if they fall short of that, what does that say about me as a parent?

In my job at a university, I often teach freshmen about Stephen Covey’s concepts of the Circle of Concern and Circle of Influence.

The Circle of Concern vs. The Circle of Influence

The Circle of Concern includes all those big worries that keep us up at night—our health, our kids, workplace drama, and even global issues like politics or climate change. On the other hand, the Circle of Influence is about the things we can actually do something about—the areas where we have some control.

The point of this lesson is to help students focus on their Circle of Influence to regain control over their worries. For example, while you can’t change the weather, you can decide to carry an umbrella. Similarly, while you can’t control a terrible professor, you can find alternative ways to succeed, like using textbooks or forming study groups.

Every time I share this lesson, I can’t help but think about my biggest worry as a parent: What kind of people will my children ultimately become? What principles will guide their decisions? And how much will I internalize their potential failures as my own?

The Paradox of Parenting

This is the paradox of parenting. You might feel like you have a lot of control, but your kids are unique individuals who will eventually forge their own paths, often in ways you never expected. That uncertainty can be tough to handle. I’m not a control freak, but the thought of my children not living up to their potential terrifies me. I know I’ll look back and question my parenting choices, feeling a wave of guilt if things don’t turn out as I hoped. And let’s be honest—I would rather not have that burden hanging over me.

So instead of fretting about what I can’t control (my Circle of Concern), I’ve decided to focus on what I can (my Circle of Influence). Because the truth is, the only thing I can truly control is myself. I can set a good example as a father. I can influence the lessons I teach, the way I treat my wife, and how dedicated I am to my family. I can model my faith and show my kids its importance. I can teach them respect for all people, regardless of their background, and demonstrate how to engage with others who are different. I can emphasize the value of education, passions, and ethics.

Creating a Positive Atmosphere

We live in a world filled with mixed messages. One day, my kids will join social media, choose political affiliations, and form opinions on social issues that may set them apart from others. They might even become those opinionated social media users who polarize their friends. While I can’t control every external influence, I can strive to create a positive atmosphere at home. I can build a strong foundation for what I hope they will become and openly share my aspirations for them.

Ultimately, it all boils down to actions. I need to embody and communicate the values I want my children to adopt. It’s vital that we don’t underestimate the impact our behaviors have on how they perceive the world. We should be candid about our expectations while consistently demonstrating the importance of becoming a person of value.

Many of you out there are already doing this—gently guiding your children toward a promising future by showing them daily what it means to love and care for others. If that’s the case, congratulations! You’re operating beautifully within your Circle of Influence. As a parent, I believe that’s the most crucial thing you can do to help your child reach their full potential.

Looking Ahead

I realize my kids are still young, and I haven’t seen the full spectrum of their development. Perhaps when they hit those rebellious teenage years, my outlook will shift dramatically. But one thing I do see often is a meme circulating about how parents need to “parent the jerk out of their kids.” It’s amusing, but it leaves me pondering what that actually entails.

Maybe it’s about honing in on your Circle of Control as a parent—seizing every opportunity to raise children who are good, strong, and moral. And if they still choose a different path despite your best efforts, you can rest easy knowing they made those decisions independently, despite your thoughtful guidance.

In the end, isn’t that what every parent strives for? To feel confident that they did everything possible to help their kids turn out right?

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Summary

Parenting is an unpredictable journey where despite our best efforts, we cannot fully control how our children will turn out. While we can influence their values and principles through our actions and guidance, ultimately, they are individuals who will make their own choices. By focusing on what we can control—our influence—we can give our kids the best chance to grow into the people we hope they will be.