It used to be the f-word that made waves. Then, it was the c-word that took the spotlight. Occasionally, I stumble upon an x-word that leaves me scratching my head. It seems like every letter of the alphabet has its own reputation for shock value, stirring up embarrassment, eliciting giggles, and challenging our refined sensibilities. No consonant is safe, and no vowel remains untouched.
Recently, the infamous p-word resurfaced during an election. (Which one? Oh, it was mentioned a few times in the news…) That one word sent the nation into a moral frenzy. Personally, I have no qualms about the p-word; I’ve even used it while discussing a cat or a tree. However, there’s another p-word that really gets under my skin: polite. And I don’t want it imposed on my daughters.
I have two daughters. They’re generally respectful — most of the time. They accept blame with grace — on occasion. And they never, ever talk back — except to their parents. We made sure they understood that long before they mastered potty training.
However, there are moments when they need to express themselves and assertively put others — young or old — in their place. Yet, due to the standards we’ve set, combined with the fear and stigma surrounding being im(p-word), my daughters sometimes find themselves overlooked. Even their mother admits to falling prey to this every now and then.
So why do we keep using the p-word against our otherwise good girls, especially when the situation calls for a bit of pushback? Why do we wrongly equate that standard with a lack of self-advocacy? It’s a dated notion that keeps us confined and silent. This word needs to be banished.
Take my 10-year-old, for example. She’s a gymnast. A cautious one, mind you, but she’s passionate about the sport. Unfortunately, her coach sometimes resorts to the classic insult-laden motivation: “What are you? A baby?” “The 7-year-olds are doing this!” “You should be leaping off the beam like everyone else.” If he truly knew my daughter, he would understand that this approach just paralyzes her with fear and undermines her confidence. After one particularly harsh practice, she came to me in tears, exclaiming, “He said I’ll never be a decent gymnast unless I push myself.” She even considered quitting.
Now, while I agree with the coach’s point in theory, words can wound far deeper than bruises ever could. Instead of confronting him, I encourage my daughter to stand up for herself, to ignore the insults, and to give him a fierce glare. But here’s the kicker — she’s too, wait for it — polite.
This isn’t a one-off scenario. Many women have faced the dreaded “Give us a smile, will you?” We’ve been taught to grin and bear it, to soften our complaints with apologies, and to disguise critiques with compliments. We’re conditioned to stay silent in the face of unwarranted behavior when we should be empowered to speak out.
There’s a clear time and place for a firm “That doesn’t work for me,” or “Thanks for the advice, Coach, but I don’t respond to threats. And by the way, I’m working without a safety net here!” Advocating for ourselves isn’t the same as being rude. While rudeness is unacceptable, being our own champions is essential. Just as we swat away mosquitoes, we should also learn to push back against negativity.
I’m proud my daughters are good girls. Even as they navigate the teenage years (enough said!). I’ll keep nurturing kindness, understanding, and compassion in them. We’re not barbarians, after all. But if anyone tries to impose unreasonable expectations of the p-word on my child, I’ll be right there beside her, ready to let the whoop-(a-word) fly. I can handle any backlash, even if it gets her labeled with the b-word.
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In summary, the insistence on politeness can often stifle self-advocacy, especially for girls. It’s time we empower them to speak up without fear of being labeled. They deserve to assert themselves and challenge expectations, all while maintaining their core values of kindness and respect.