Each holiday season, GOOP releases a gift guide that serves as a reminder of just how extravagant some people can be. This year, they’ve outdone themselves, especially with a section dedicated to lovers—aptly named The Lover Gift Guide. If you’ve ever felt awkward about the term “lover,” you’ll know exactly what we mean when we say this guide is a mix of bizarre and unsexy!
Let’s dive in!
FUR OIL FOR PUBIC HAIR, $39
“Fur Oil is crafted from grapeseed and jojoba oil, enriched with vitamins A and E to condition and soften. Plus, it features tea tree oil to clear pores and minimize ingrown hairs.” Because nothing says romance like slathering oil on your nether regions!
A-CUP PILLOW, $295
“Hand-knit from highland wool, this breast-shaped throw pillow is the comfort item you didn’t know you needed.” Seriously, there’s not a chance my post-baby body ever looked like that. What kind of reality is this?
BANG PLATE, $80
The description is simply “Bang plates. Get it?” Nope. Sorry, not even a chuckle here.
SELETTI TOILET PAPER LITTLE BUTT TABLE, $416.25
A table with an image of a playing card crammed into a rear end—what could be more romantic? At this price, you might want to reconsider who your “lover” really is.
ONE FEATHER EARRING, $350
“A single accent earring that looks amazing when paired with another piece.” Because who wears just one earring? Enjoy your solitary bling!
MEMBERSHIP TO AN ELITE SEX CLUB, PRICE UNKNOWN
“Snctm is filled with respectable individuals from all walks of life, offering access to indulgences many will never experience.” Merry Christmas, dear! I signed you up for a masked orgy with a side of theatrics.
NIGHTGOWN, $168
“This body-flattering piece is exquisitely made, a wardrobe staple.” I can’t imagine a more unflattering outfit that would simultaneously make me feel exposed and self-conscious.
SEX DUST, $20
“Sex Dust™ is an edible concoction designed to spice things up in and out of the bedroom.” Perfect for anyone who thinks a glass of almond milk needs a twist of “excitement.”
With such a delightful array of gifts, it’s hard to choose between a masked orgy, tea tree oil discomfort, or an unflattering nightgown. Truly, romance is alive and well in the GOOP universe!
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In summary, GOOP’s Lover Gift Guide serves up a hilariously awkward assortment of items that redefine “romantic gifts.” From impractical pillows to bizarrely themed tables, it’s a reminder that some ideas are just too outlandish to be taken seriously.