I’ve spent what feels like an eternity lying in the dark next to a restless child, wishing and praying for them to just fall asleep already. When the struggle is real, I’ve been known to sneak under the covers with my phone dimmed to the lowest setting, scrolling through social media and hoping my half-asleep little one doesn’t catch me in the act of breaking the “no screen time after dark” rule.
But you know what? Some nights are unexpectedly delightful. Lying there as my kids drift in and out of slumber can be as enchanting as I had envisioned parenting to be before the reality hit me—parenting can be utterly exhausting. In those quiet moments, my kids snuggle up against me, and I catch a whiff of their sweet hair or feel their soft cheeks against my neck. It’s enough to bring on the tears of gratitude.
As they begin to doze off, they often share their thoughts and feelings—things they typically keep to themselves during the day. I’ve heard all the arguments against lying down with your kids until they fall asleep. It’s usually the first habit you’re told to break when they’re babies. But what if you just decide not to? What if, instead, you rock or nurse your baby every night, and as they grow older, it evolves into holding hands or gentle pats on the back until they drift off?
Then, even when they outgrow those bedtime rituals, what if they still ask for you to lie there, providing comfort until they’re fast asleep? You might wonder: How will they ever learn to self-soothe? Will they be dependent on me and not learn to fall asleep alone? The answer to that is a resounding no. Research indicates that securely attached children tend to be more independent and confident. It makes sense—when kids feel secure, they’re better equipped to navigate the world.
I’m not saying every family should adopt this routine, as there are countless ways to nurture secure children. But if lying down with your kids works for you, don’t feel guilty about it. Just because you allow this habit doesn’t mean your kids won’t be adaptable or learn to sleep independently.
I lie down with my kids because they want me there, and it’s become a cherished part of our routine. Despite often wishing I had those extra 10 to 20 minutes back, I know they hold tremendous value for my children. With our busy lives filled with work, school, and chores, those peaceful moments before sleep are rare and precious.
Honestly, I don’t enjoy falling asleep alone either. If my partner is out of town, I take ages to drift off, and I’m 38! So why shouldn’t my kids, at ages 4 and 9, get that same comfort? There have been countless nights when my older child didn’t need me at all—times when he actively pushed me out of the room to sleep solo. But on nights when he’s anxious or restless, I stay close, knowing these moments of dependency won’t last forever.
I lie down with my boys because societal norms often pressure boys to suppress their feelings, and I believe that can be harmful. I’m willing to be there for them, even when I’m exhausted or agitated. Yes, some nights, I’d rather be anywhere else. But I also understand that those minutes spent with them, as they drift off in the safety of my presence, are invaluable—both for them and for me. And that’s a trade I’d never want to miss.
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In summary, lying down with your kids until they fall asleep isn’t a bad habit; it can be a special bonding experience that fosters security and closeness. Embrace it if it works for your family!