It’s estimated that 1 in 6 women have faced completed or attempted rape. While statistics can be tricky due to underreporting, it’s also noted that 1 in 5 girls suffer from childhood sexual abuse. Self-reported data indicates that around 20% of women have been victims of sexual assault or abuse during their childhood. It seems I’m part of that 20%, or maybe the 1 in 6, as many women I know have encountered some form of sexual violence. The real question isn’t “Did you experience rape or molestation?” but rather “When did it happen?”
We need a respectful way to approach this topic, a manner to discuss it without trivialization. First, trigger warnings are essential, no matter how ridiculous some may find them. Yes, it can be inconvenient to type TRIGGER WARNING BELOW in a Facebook post, but just because you haven’t faced these traumas doesn’t mean they’re unnecessary. Trigger warnings are vital for the brave individuals who can be thrown off balance by reminders of their past. They deserve the choice to engage with discussions about sexual assault on their terms, as that choice was snatched from them at least once before. Encountering triggering material can feel like a second victimization, leaving them feeling powerless and blindsided once more.
Second, we must step into the light. We need to foster a supportive community that allows individuals to express their experiences. This requires those of us who have faced such issues to share our stories—not in graphic detail, but in solidarity. I experienced molestation as a child and was raped twice during my college years. By sharing my narrative, I encourage others to do the same. In this collective sharing, we can find healing, reminding each other that we are not alone, not to be blamed, and that we did not invite these experiences upon ourselves. Our assaults are not our fault.
When someone opens up about their trauma, we should receive that information as solemnly as we would the news of a death. In a way, it is a death—the loss of one’s sexual innocence and autonomy over their own body. The only appropriate response to such disclosures is, “I’m so sorry. How can I support you?” Avoid offering a hug; the person may not be ready for physical comfort while discussing their trauma. Also, resist the urge to gasp in shock; your reaction shifts the focus onto you, and this moment isn’t about you.
It’s natural to want to ask, “What happened?” but that impulse must be curbed. If they wish to share the details, they will. Do not pry for specifics about when, where, how, or who was involved. Avoid questions about whether they reported it or told someone close to them. Your role is to provide support and maintain the focus on the survivor.
If they do choose to share details, your sole responsibility is to listen. Nod your head to show you’re engaged, but keep your shock, disbelief, or anger in check. Expressing disbelief can imply that you can’t fathom such an event occurring to someone like them, which can reinforce their internalized shame. It’s acceptable to express that you feel angry about their situation, but avoid becoming angry yourself. No matter how distressing the details may be, you must remain steadfast. Appropriate responses include, “I am really sorry,” “I’m furious for you,” “You didn’t deserve this,” and “Remember, this is not your fault.”
Above all, never, under any circumstances, question the validity of what they are saying. Phrasing like “Are you sure it happened that way?” can derail any possibility for productive conversation. Questions like “Did you say no?” or “Why didn’t you tell anyone?” undermine their trust in their own recollections and imply that they may have somehow deserved the encounter. This is the ultimate faux pas in discussions about sexual assault, and it should be completely avoided as it inflicts further harm and reflects poorly on you.
While navigating these conversations, we must also be aware of our own emotional states, particularly if we are survivors ourselves. If discussing these topics becomes overwhelming, it’s absolutely okay to excuse yourself. If you begin to feel panic, flashbacks, or an overwhelming sense of dread, prioritize your own well-being and step away. It might be necessary to take a break, leave the situation, or seek support for yourself. If needed, consider reaching out to a therapist.
Sexual assault is a devastating experience that alters lives. We need to establish common-sense guidelines as these stories emerge from the shadows into the light. This can only happen if individuals feel secure enough to share their experiences, and that security comes from being met with compassion and understanding.
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In summary, listening compassionately to those who share their experiences of sexual assault is crucial. By creating an environment of trust and support, we empower survivors to share their stories and begin the healing process.