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When Motherhood Is Nothing Like You Imagined
My three dolls, Bella, Max, and Sophie, are currently nestled in a box in my closet. To clarify, these aren’t actual children but rather cherished additions to my doll collection that began when I was just four years old. My first was a Cabbage Patch Doll (Sophie Marie—her head occasionally detaches, but she’s still fabulous at 34!). I genuinely saw myself as the mother of all these dolls.
Why are they tucked away in a closet, you ask? Well, my real kids are the culprits. I have a rambunctious 5-year-old who made a face when he first met Sophie, and a 2-year-old who would love nothing more than to tear her head off and toss it in the washing machine.
I lovingly cared for my dolls, dreaming of the day my own daughter would play with them. My mom promised to buy me a beautiful trunk for their safekeeping, waiting for my little girl to inherit them. I always envisioned having a daughter; I have a sister, and our bond is as strong as my relationship with my mother (and yes, I have a brother too, who once did put Sophie in the oven—thanks for that, bro). As a teenager, I imagined my future as a mother filled with daughters who would play with my dolls and serenade me with musical theater numbers.
Don’t get me wrong—I adore my boys more than words can express, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything. But when I discovered that my second child was another boy, I had to completely rethink my expectations of motherhood. There would be no little girl who mirrored me, no one to play with my old dolls. I thought my boys might appreciate my doll collection—I’m all for the idea of boys embracing toys traditionally aimed at girls—but, as it turns out, my sons are less interested. I offered my son Sophie, and he just made a funny noise.
In my role as a clinical psychologist, I frequently discuss the need for moms to adjust their expectations. I specialize in cognitive-behavioral therapy for anxiety, and I often hear about the stress that arises when kids don’t match the mental image parents had. For every mom who sees her child as a mini-me, there are numerous others wondering, “Who is this kid?”
Moms also have expectations about what motherhood will be like. Many of these are overly idealistic—full of sunshine, cuddles, and bliss. However, as my patients’ stories and my own experiences reveal, motherhood rarely aligns with what you expect. Perhaps you thought you’d want to stay at home but found yourself yearning to return to work—or vice versa. Maybe you anticipated a more equal partnership with your partner than what reality delivered. Or maybe, once you faced the challenges of parenting, your dream of having multiple kids transformed into a desire for just one.
I often encourage my patients to let go of their idealized visions of motherhood and embrace the reality unfolding before them. To parent effectively, you must adjust your expectations to your actual circumstances—whether that’s your child’s unique personality, your family dynamics, or your own career aspirations. Clinging to a fantasy of motherhood that doesn’t align with reality won’t help you care for your child or yourself.
As for me, I’ve traded my knowledge of the American Girl catalog for expertise in the Bruder truck catalog. I can identify a front loader from a distance and name almost every character from Sodor. I suppose you could say I’ve adapted. Bella, Sophie, and Max remain in their boxes for the most part, only making appearances when fellow doll enthusiasts drop by.
I should also mention that my older son knows every line from the Broadway musical Hamilton and joyfully sings around the house. He may be a boy, but I can see bits of my old self in him.
If you’re navigating the ups and downs of motherhood, there are resources available. Check out this insightful post on home insemination. For couples looking to enhance their fertility journey, Make a Mom offers excellent guidance on artificial insemination kits. Additionally, if you’re interested in more support for pregnancy and home insemination, visit this great resource.
Summary:
Navigating motherhood often comes with unexpected twists and turns, from adjusting to your child’s unique personality to reevaluating your own expectations. While the idealized image of motherhood may not align with reality, embracing the journey can lead to a fulfilling experience.