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When Your Firstborn Seeks to Be the Authority
My daughter has decided she wants to be the mother. Not just any mother, but the mother. At 8 years old, I often find myself pondering whether this desire stems from my own parenting flaws—does she think she can do a better job? Or is it a reflection of my stellar parenting that she aspires to emulate? The truth probably lies somewhere in between, hopefully leaning toward the latter.
Observing her, I’ve come to realize that being the eldest is a double-edged sword. Sure, there are perks like staying up late, the authority to boss her younger siblings around, and experiencing things first. But there’s also a heavy weight of expectations: being the test subject for every parenting strategy, facing higher standards, and trying to navigate uncharted waters with parents who are just as bewildered as she is. I feel incredibly lucky to have been the youngest child, especially now that I see firsthand the challenges my daughter deals with.
Take, for instance, the moments when she struggles with her role as the big sister. In those standoffish moments, I can see the frustration in her eyes as she exclaims, “What does it mean to be a big sister? If I can’t tell them what to do, what’s the point?” I get it, yet my response—repeated more times than I can count—is hardly enlightening: “You’re not their mother.” As tears well up, I empathize with her struggle to balance being a teacher, a friend, and sometimes a fierce competitor to her brothers. It’s a real battle.
But it’s not all doom and gloom. There are those exhilarating moments when she gets to call the shots and her brothers willingly follow her lead. Let’s be honest, who wouldn’t want that kind of power? However, the transition from being in charge during playtime to maintaining that authority all the time is a tricky one. Our expectations of her often blur the lines of responsibility, especially when we casually remind her, “Take care of your brothers!” as we head out the door.
I desperately want her to enjoy her childhood. Yes, some responsibility is essential to help her grow into a self-sufficient adult—because I’d prefer she not be living in my basement at 30—but I also want her to relish these fleeting years of being a kid. There will be plenty of time for her to shoulder the world’s responsibilities, to worry about decisions, and eventually to parent.
As she watches my highs and lows, there are a million things I hope she’ll do differently—like worrying less and embracing joy more. I want her to breathe before speaking and to find humor even in the most chaotic moments. She is the classic 8-year-old trying to rush into adulthood, while I’m doing my best to hit the brakes. She wants an iPhone; I wish she still wanted Barbie dolls. Being a firstborn comes with traits like leadership, maturity, and responsibility, which will serve her well as she grows. But right now, all I want is for her to simply be a kid.
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In summary, while being the eldest comes with responsibilities and challenges, it’s crucial to let our firstborns embrace their youth. They’ll have plenty of time to grow up and take on the world.