Think Twice Before Asking Someone When They’ll Have Another Baby

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A curious phenomenon occurs when you start dating: people can’t help but inquire about your engagement plans. Once you’re engaged, everyone wants to know when the big day is set. After you tie the knot, the questions shift to when you’ll start a family. And if you’re like me, you might not follow that exact timeline, but you get the gist. Once you have your first child, the floodgates open again with inquiries about when you’ll be adding to your brood, especially when your first little one is just too adorable.

Honestly, it can be exhausting. If you’re not careful about setting boundaries, the pressure can become overwhelming. I know I’ve been guilty of asking such questions myself! But let’s take a moment to consider what might be happening behind the scenes of those inquiries.

When my partner, Jake, and I welcomed our first child, our lives turned upside down, and that’s putting it mildly. Sleep was a rare commodity. Our son was a finicky eater and preferred late-night parties over peaceful slumber. Jake was juggling a full-time job and school, and finances were tight. Emotions were all over the place (thanks, hormones!). Yet amidst the chaos, our little one was an absolute joy, hitting milestones way ahead of schedule. Life was certainly busy in our home.

A few months into this new chapter, the inevitable questions about expanding our family began rolling in. Everyone seemed to have an opinion: “You don’t want too much time between siblings,” or “Your first needs a playmate,” or “Don’t wait too long!” At the time, these comments felt intrusive, although I didn’t fully recognize it.

Then there were the remarks from other parents with two or more kids: “One is a breeze,” or “You only have one?” Not every interaction with parents of multiples was like this, but some were eye-opening. I don’t think they meant any harm, but it came across as a bit passive-aggressive.

Back when parenting was just late-night pillow talk between Jake and me, we envisioned having two kids. Growing up with siblings seemed ideal. We had strong beliefs about how we would raise our future children, convinced we knew it all: no shouting, no letting our baby “cry it out,” no public tantrums, minimal screen time, and homemade baby food. Spoiler alert: We were wrong. Motherhood taught me that plans often go awry after the arrival of a baby.

Fast forward to our son’s second birthday—the exact time we had planned to start trying for baby number two. Sitting at our dining room table, we had the talk, and that’s when Jake revealed he had changed his mind. I was stunned. Was he even allowed to do that? I won’t share all the details, as that’s his story, but it led to many discussions, tears, arguments, and a lot of soul-searching.

Ultimately, I realized a few things for the sake of our marriage and family. If I believe in a higher power (which I do, whom I call God), then I don’t control the game plan. If we’re meant to have another child, it will happen. If not, then it won’t. This situation pushed me to dig deeper in my spirituality.

I wasn’t going to trick Jake into having another baby, nor would I leave him over it. So, I had to find a way to be okay with his change of heart. It didn’t mean I had to love it; I just needed to accept it—for now.

To get there, I had to cultivate a real sense of gratitude for what I already had. I focused on the beautiful moments, the amazing people, and the experiences that filled my life with joy. I needed to remember that our son was a gift, and not everyone who wants kids gets to have them. I found that when I concentrated on appreciating what I had, I spent less time worrying about what I didn’t have.

Of course, there were days when I felt envy creeping in. On those tough days, I tried to be gentle with myself. I’d jot down a gratitude list, writing five things I loved about Jake, forgiving him for not aligning with my desires, and reminding myself that nothing is set in stone.

Some days, I felt such overwhelming joy at our little family trio that I could hardly contain it. The bond between us was deeper than words could express. I felt fortunate and fulfilled.

At times, I thought I was the only one experiencing this with my spouse, which made discussing it daunting. But knowing that someone might relate to my story inspired me to share my truth. I’ve learned that fear-based feelings can often mislead us.

In the end, we can’t truly know what other families are facing, whether it’s fertility struggles, the loss of a child, or dilemmas like mine. What I do know is that it’s never wise to assume. I’ve come to realize that I can find happiness regardless of whether our parenting journey begins and ends with our son or if we welcome more children. Perhaps the most important lesson I’ve learned is that I am not any less of a mom, no matter the circumstances.

For more information on navigating the journey to parenthood, check out IVF Babble, an excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination. Additionally, if you’re interested in home insemination options, you can learn more at Make a Mom and Intracervical Insemination.

Summary:

It’s essential to approach the topic of expanding a family with sensitivity. Many factors may influence a couple’s decision to have more children, including personal struggles and changing circumstances. By fostering gratitude and understanding, we can navigate these conversations more thoughtfully.