When Your Kid Struggles with Sharing, Sometimes a More Laid-Back Approach Is Best

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On a recent venture to our neighborhood grocery store, my kindergartner, Lily, spotted a bag of chocolate-covered toffee. “Can we get this as a treat?” she asked eagerly. “Do I have to share?” came her anxious follow-up.

I couldn’t help but sigh. My five-year-old is notoriously bad at sharing. She’s the child who would hoard her toys in the sandbox, dragging her bucket, two shovels, a plastic rake, and a watering can closer anytime another kid drew near. When friends come over, she’d rather tuck away her favorite dress-up costume than take turns. Even during breakfast, she frets over having to share the pink striped hula hoop at recess.

It’s not that she doesn’t grasp the concept of sharing; she’s had plenty of exposure to it at preschool, playdates, and now kindergarten, where the mantra “sharing is caring” is drilled into them. Yet, parting with any of her belongings is a daunting task for her. I often find myself coaxing, pleading, and even bribing her to share, especially in front of other parents, which makes me feel like I’m under a microscope.

That pressure to enforce sharing sometimes tempts me to assert my parental authority. After all, when she shares, it gives me a sense of accomplishment, as if I’m hitting all the right notes in this parenting symphony. But forcing her to share is more about my need for public approval than her emotional growth. Research indicates that we often view our possessions as extensions of ourselves, so it’s no surprise that kids resist relinquishing items that feel like part of their identity.

Imagine being at a café, blissfully scrolling through Instagram, when a stranger approaches and demands, “I want your phone!” You’d probably give them a look that says, “No way!” Yet, we expect our kids to submit to similar demands and are baffled when they refuse.

This led me to question if there’s something inherently wrong with Lily. Why is sharing such a hurdle for her? Despite showing compassion to animals and rushing to help a friend with an injury, sharing seems to be a different story. Perhaps being the youngest of three means not much feels uniquely hers—most of her clothes and toys are hand-me-downs. Could it be that losing control over her belongings is tough for her? I know I feel anxious when faced with unexpected demands. Maybe she inherited that trait from me.

Regardless of the reasons, sharing doesn’t come easily to my daughter. While it might never be second nature for her, I don’t think it’s the ultimate goal to force her into sharing. What matters more is instilling kindness, empathy, and an awareness of how her actions impact others. I want her to share out of genuine desire, not simply because an adult said so or because some other kid is whining.

As I look at Lily’s sweet, concerned expression, I imagine the internal struggle as she weighs the idea of giving away some of her beloved toffee to her two older sisters. “No, you don’t have to share,” I say gently. “But I know your sisters would be thrilled if you did.”

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In summary, while sharing can be a tough lesson for some kids, the focus should be on cultivating a spirit of generosity and understanding, rather than enforcing rules that may not resonate with them.