Don’t waste your time searching for that elusive perfect partner outside your relationship; spoiler alert: they don’t exist. After being with someone for a significant amount of time, you become well-acquainted with their quirks. Sure, it’s nice to know they’ll always share their fries with you because they’re the rare breed that doesn’t like them, but it also means you’re fully aware of just how frustrating they can be. You might find yourself daydreaming about a life with someone else—someone who actually remembers to replace the trash bag after taking out the garbage.
But as behavioral economist and TED speaker, Max Carter, points out in a recent video from Google’s Modern Romance series, chasing after the idea of a better partner is a recipe for disappointment. Everyone has their flaws. That attractive stranger you’ve been eyeing only seems appealing because you haven’t yet discovered their annoying habits—like their aversion to wearing a proper winter coat in New England or the volume of their sneezes that could wake the neighbors. “When you really get to know someone, you quickly realize they can let you down in countless ways,” Carter explains.
In today’s social media-driven world, finding a new partner is as easy as swiping right. It’s tempting to think about swapping out your current love for someone who looks shiny and new. But remember, that perfect stranger will come with their own set of quirks. “From your limited perspective, their annoying habits are hidden, leading you to believe they’re wonderful,” Carter warns. “It’s only when you’re sharing a space that you fully appreciate their idiosyncrasies.” A new partner won’t necessarily be less annoying; they’ll just find different ways to drive you up the wall.
It’s crucial to recognize that while your partner may irritate you, they’re not going to bring any shocking surprises. You know their habits inside and out, unlike that fantasy partner whose online profile gives you a distorted view of who they are. “When you wake up next to someone and start questioning if this is what you want for the long haul, it’s easy to be tempted by the allure of other options,” Carter says. “On dating apps, people showcase their best selves, creating an unrealistic expectation of what lies beyond your current relationship.”
Carter emphasizes that constantly searching for greener pastures can sabotage the relationship you already have. “When you’re in a relationship but have one foot out the door, always fantasizing about how the outside world is more exciting, it’s a poor strategy for nurturing your bond,” he explains. “Investing in your relationship is what makes it flourish.”
In short, everyone’s got their annoying habits. Looking for someone new won’t change that reality. If you want a fulfilling partnership, it’s best to focus on strengthening what you have.
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Summary
Everyone has their quirks, and seeking out a new partner won’t necessarily make you happier. Behavioral economist Max Carter explains that the allure of someone new often fades when you discover their annoying habits. Focusing on strengthening your current relationship is the best path to fulfillment.