I’ve said it loud and clear to friends, family, my own kids, and even in the wild world of the internet: I’m done having children. No more little ones for me—this baby-making factory is officially closed. My uterus is locked up tighter than a drum!
At 38, I find myself labeled as “advanced maternal age,” and I already have two energetic boys who didn’t sleep through the night until they were well past three. I can’t even fathom enduring that level of sleep deprivation again, especially as I inch closer to 40. Nope, just no.
Pregnancy is no picnic for me either. My abdominal ligaments throw a tantrum, causing a burning sensation whenever I walk more than a few feet. Plus, I’m built with a torso that could double as a fun-sized candy bar, so heartburn is my constant companion. During my last pregnancy, I felt so squished that standing for more than a minute left me breathless.
But the most significant reason for my decision is financial. Our early parenting years were fraught with money troubles, and we’re just now getting back on solid ground. With both boys in school, I can work without shelling out a fortune for childcare.
If I won the lottery tomorrow and could be a stay-at-home mom with fantastic live-in help (hello, endless naps!), I might reconsider adding another child to the mix. But since that’s not happening, I know it wouldn’t be wise for anyone if we fell back into financial chaos or if I spent years battling sleep deprivation once more.
Of course, every now and then, I find myself craving babies. If I’m being honest, I crave them a lot. I adore babies! Every time I catch a glimpse of a baby pic of one of my boys or anyone else’s cutie, my heart does a little flip. I start calculating how much I’d need to save for a decent maternity leave (freelancer life means no employer-funded help) and a stellar babysitter. I even start to bargain with the universe for a good sleeper, an easy pregnancy, and a smooth delivery. Sometimes, I even entertain the idea of moving into my mother-in-law’s basement to save money and let “the village” help raise my kids. That’s when I know I’ve truly gone off the deep end!
I often find myself scolding for spiraling into these thoughts. If I’m so certain I shouldn’t have another child, why can’t I just let it go? Well, I guess I need to be a bit kinder to myself. Life is rarely black and white, and it’s entirely possible to want conflicting things at once. It’s normal to feel a little torn by desires that may not be realistically attainable—and maybe that’s okay.
Many of us might never feel completely satisfied with our family size. Some may want children they can’t have, for various reasons. We might even face conflicts with our partners about these feelings. While I don’t regret my decision now, I know the “what-ifs” will linger, especially until my reproductive organs retire in the next decade or so.
However, despite the occasional overwhelming longing for another child, 99% of the time, I’m content. I cherish the independence my kids are gaining and love watching them grow and achieve new things. They still need me in their own subtle ways, just like when they were babies.
I recognize that my family is where it’s meant to be, and for that, I’m grateful. As for those moments of uncertainty, I’ll strive to accept them as part of this wild, beautiful journey of motherhood. If you’re curious about the ins and outs of pregnancy and home insemination, check out this excellent resource for more information.
Summary: In this reflective piece, Jenna Marks shares her decision to stop having children, exploring the emotional complexities and occasional longings that accompany her choice. Despite the challenges of parenting and the yearning for more, she finds peace in her family’s current dynamic and encourages kindness toward oneself in the face of conflicting desires.