We all understand the concept of positive parenting. Picture this: your 6-year-old is wailing that you’re the worst parent ever, that you ruin all the fun, and, no, they absolutely refuse to tidy up their toys because their siblings were the culprits, and they just can’t stand you right now.
Positive parenting suggests you squat down to their level, craft a sympathetic expression, and say something like, “Wow, you seem really upset. Can you explain what’s bothering you?” Or maybe, “Those sound like some big feelings! How can I help you with them?” Or, “Oh dear, it seems like you might need a hug!” All of this while they’re practically shouting in your face.
But here’s the catch with positive parenting: deep down, you might just want to yell at them.
Positive parenting encourages you to maintain that mild, concerned look when all you want to do is channel your inner Medusa, snakes and all. It feels like a battle. This little tornado has just accused you of being a terrible parent. You’ve spent your day doing laundry, scrubbing floors, reading stories, and delicately extracting boogers from hair, all fueled by lukewarm coffee and the remnants of an Eggo waffle. If you’re not a good parent, then what more could you possibly do? Maybe sing “Chim Chim Cher-ee” perfectly while cleaning? You are definitely not the bad parent here. Cue the internal monologue of the chores you’ve managed today.
But alas, you’re a positive parent. You didn’t do all this just to make your child feel guilty later. You want them to know you’re doing it out of love, not obligation. You’re the ultimate caregiver, the selfless one, not the Madonna with the cone bra.
Then, of course, they shout that you ruin their fun. Their fun? You’ve spent the entire day managing housework, organizing arts and crafts—complete with scissors and glue, which require your supervision—only to unleash the glitter. Yes, glitter—the craft herpes that never seems to leave your home. Even when they go off to college, there will still be traces of it lurking under the kitchen table. But you glittered anyway out of love, and after all that effort, you read them three books and even let them win a game of checkers.
Yet, you don’t throw this all in their face. Ranting is frowned upon, and the experts say kids won’t hear it anyway. So you take a deep breath and suggest, “Why don’t we both take some deep breaths together?” But when they insist they won’t, you end up breathing alone while resisting the urge to strangle them.
Still, they stomp their feet and refuse to clean up their toys. Excuse me? You brought those toys into this house, and you could easily take them out. You spend half your life picking them up, sorting them, and digging them out from behind the couch. All you’re asking for is a little help with the Hot Wheels. If you weren’t so exhausted from bending over constantly, you’d do it yourself and bypass the tantrum.
But you can’t just take their toys away. They are your child’s cherished possessions, just as your jewelry is precious to you. No, you can’t take them to Goodwill. Instead, you plaster on a concerned frown and say, “I see you don’t want to pick up your toys. I don’t like picking up either. How about we race to see who can pick up the most the fastest? Ready, set, go!” Or you might suggest, “Let’s sing a cleanup song together.” Then, you find yourself on the floor, singing a made-up tune to the melody of “Frère Jacques.” All while muttering to yourself inside.
Positive parenting has its merits; it acknowledges that children are real individuals with valid feelings. It respects their emotions and treats them as equals to adults. However, for every moment of positive parenting, there’s an inner dialogue that veers toward running away to Vegas instead of nurturing a loving environment. Unless you’re a Zen master, it’s practically impossible to endure a tantrum without a fleeting desire to scream. The true mark of a loving, positive parent? You don’t act on those thoughts, but they certainly cross your mind.
This article was originally published on January 5, 2017, and if you’re curious for more insights, check out this other blog post about home insemination.
In summary, positive parenting can feel like a balancing act between nurturing your child’s emotions and managing your own frustrations. It’s a challenge, but ultimately, it’s about love and understanding—no matter how much they may drive you crazy.