When my partner, Jake, and I first started dating, we navigated the early days of our relationship across a long distance. Back before the era of constant connectivity, we relied on phone calls, love letters sent through the mail, and the occasional surprise care package to keep the spark alive. Honestly, it was a beautifully romantic experience. I would come home from work to find a handwritten letter or a quirky card waiting for me. The day Jake sent me a bottle filled with sand from the beach where we shared our first date, I knew I had found someone special. His thoughtful gestures from miles away made me feel closer to him, especially during those tough days when distance felt overwhelming.
Eventually, we tied the knot, bought a house, and welcomed kids into our lives. Suddenly, romance transformed into practical gestures like “I’ll handle the midnight feedings so you can catch some Z’s,” or “Go ahead and splurge on that fancy washing machine.” Sure, we were a team, but the passionate flames had simmered down to a lukewarm cup of coffee we often forgot to reheat.
Initially, this arrangement worked. We prioritized our family and settled into the comforting routine of co-parenting. However, we soon realized that romance was being crowded out by the chaos of parenting. It seemed like a luxury we couldn’t afford anymore, and I convinced myself that we had outgrown that stage of our relationship.
But when we hit a rough patch in our marriage, I began to reconsider the importance of romance, no matter the stage of the relationship. It doesn’t have to be grand gestures like a scene from a rom-com, but rather simple, intentional moments shared between partners that can help smooth over the bumps of long-term commitment.
During one of our therapy sessions, our counselor introduced the concept of “we moments”—the idea that couples should create cherished experiences to help navigate conflicts. Dedicating time for date nights, enjoying quiet moments together, or just sipping a glass of wine on the patio while the kids create chaos inside can help mend the little fractures that may form in a relationship. Understanding each other’s love languages amidst the daily chaos is vital for maintaining a long-lasting bond. Positive shared experiences can truly work wonders in diffusing tensions and reminding couples of the connection that initially brought them together.
Recently, I had an interesting debate with my friend Ben about the difference between romance and companionship in relationships. He argued that expecting constant romance could lead to dissatisfaction, especially if one partner excels at romantic gestures more than the other. He pointed out that the idealized portrayals of romance in movies and TV shows often leave couples feeling inadequate. While we ultimately disagreed on whether romance is necessary, I appreciate his perspective and understand how the media’s depiction of love can sometimes make us feel less than.
Romance shouldn’t be obligatory; that would defeat its charm. Instead, it should be something we actively incorporate into our everyday lives. As Jake and I have been working to rekindle our romantic side, I’ve realized it’s not easy. Some days, when I’m juggling a messy bun and yoga pants, romance feels like a distant memory. Yet, the simple act of being kind to my husband or reminiscing about our special moments over a glass of wine has shown me that a sprinkle of romance is essential for feeling fulfilled in our relationship. Turns out, Jake feels the same way.
At a wedding this past fall, Jake discreetly requested our wedding song from the DJ. As the familiar melody filled the air of the charming barn adorned with soft lights, I locked eyes with him, and it felt like the years of marriage melted away. In that moment, we were back to being that young couple, and I could almost feel the sand and ocean breeze from our first date. While we’ve changed significantly since then, I still treasure that bottle of sand he sent me years ago, a sweet reminder of how far we’ve come together.
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In summary, maintaining romance in a marriage is crucial at every stage. Simple, intentional moments can help strengthen connections and smooth over the rough patches that come with life’s demands.