My Partner and I Sleep Separately, and It’s Revitalized Our Relationship

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For the first six weeks after my daughter arrived, I felt completely drained. After three exhausting days of labor and two grueling hours of pushing, compounded by the relentless nighttime feedings with a baby who struggled to latch, I could barely keep my eyes open. Whenever I found myself lying down, I’d be asleep within moments.

Around the six-week mark, things began to shift. I felt mostly recovered from childbirth, and my little one started sleeping longer stretches at night. It should have been a relief, but I found myself wide awake while my husband and daughter drifted off peacefully. No matter what I tried—reading by a dim light, exercising more, soaking up the sun—nothing worked. The baby eventually outgrew the bassinet and moved into a crib in his own room, sleeping a solid 12 hours by five months. Yet, my sleepless nights only escalated. The smallest disturbances—my husband turning over, a passing car, or even thoughts of inadequacy as a mom—kept me wide awake.

I was grappling with postpartum depression, though it took us nearly a year to recognize it. As we moved into a new house and I juggled boxes and baby duties, the dread of nighttime loomed larger. Each night became a battle: Would I finally catch some sleep, or would I face another day of exhaustion?

My husband and I both felt the strain. He worried about waking me and began losing his own sleep. Our little one snoozed peacefully while we grappled with our relationship.

Desperate for a solution, I sought therapy, improved my sleep hygiene, and tried various medications—none of which worked. I began practicing yoga and meditation, both of which I had previously dismissed. I pushed myself harder during workouts, journaled my feelings, but sleep remained elusive.

Then, one particularly rough night, while I was in tears over my insomnia, my husband decided to sleep in the guest room we had just set up. This was the first time we had slept apart, and surprisingly, I didn’t wake up to his movements, nor did he wake up to my countless trips to the bathroom. It wasn’t a flawless night, but at least I couldn’t blame anyone else for my unrest.

The next night, he asked if he could sleep in the guest room again. Guilt washed over me—I felt like I was pushing him away, as if this was yet another signal that our marriage was on shaky ground. But I was too fatigued to let guilt hold me back.

He continued to sleep in the guest room night after night, and it eventually became “his” space. He claimed he was sleeping better without worrying about waking me and said it was better for his back. Plus, when our son was sick, he could easily tend to him.

In my own space, I began to find my sleep again—not just because he wasn’t there, but because I was actively seeking help and practicing self-care. As we both started to rest better, we found joy in each other’s company once more. We laughed, had deeper conversations, went on dates, and even rekindled our intimate life. Yet, we still didn’t share a bed, except for the occasional post-coital slumber.

Fast forward two years, and we’re still sleeping apart. Now, as I’m pregnant with our second child, I can settle in for the night whenever I like, without worrying about my husband’s schedule. I can use as many pillows as I desire, and it doesn’t encroach on his space. He’s busy with his MBA and often studies late, so he doesn’t have to fret about waking me or needing extra pillows for comfort. Plus, when our child has nightmares or is under the weather, we can easily take turns without disturbing each other’s rest.

That extra sleep is essential for any parent!

If you enjoyed this piece, check out our other blog post on the topic of home insemination for more insights.

In summary, sleeping separately has surprisingly improved our marriage. By prioritizing our individual sleep needs, we’ve managed to strengthen our relationship, allowing us to enjoy quality time together while navigating the challenges of parenthood.