My sons own an arsenal of toys that could rival a small army’s supply: swords, guns, light sabers, axes, flails, and even something dubbed “pirate swords.” These playthings are primarily used for epic battles—mostly against each other, but occasionally they end up as makeshift weapons during a friendly duel. When my aunt, who isn’t used to the chaos of small children, came to visit, she was met with a whirlwind of swordplay and couch acrobatics. Let’s just say, she started searching for hotels pretty quickly.
“What did she expect? That they would color quietly?” I asked my partner. “My sister and I did, but clearly, that was ages ago. Did she think they’d act like girls?”
I wasn’t attempting to be sexist. I fully believe that girls can wield swords, engage in epic battles, and jump off furniture just as well as boys can. Girls can—and do—play football, and there’s no mandatory dress code dictating that they must play with dolls or paint their nails. I encourage my boys to explore their interests too, but the cultural narrative of the 1970s and ’80s tried to convince us that since boys and girls could share colors and sports, they must be essentially the same. This suggests that differences arise solely from parenting—which simply isn’t the case.
You might have thought this was true, as I did. I was conscientious about providing my sons with dolls and stuffed animals, but they rarely engaged with them. More often than not, the dolls became props as they filled gaps in their forts rather than companions in nurturing play. Despite their father’s loving nature, my sons showed little interest in nurturing pretend babies; they’d rather toss a doll across the room than give it a bottle. My experience isn’t isolated—many other little boys I know, raised by liberal parents who wouldn’t flinch if their son wore a dress, exhibit the same tendencies. These are anecdotes, yes, but scientific studies back this up.
According to Live Science, most scientists agree that the differences between male and female brains are inherent. “We do socialize our boys and girls differently, but the contribution of biology is not zero,” asserts Diane Halpern, a psychology professor with over 25 years of experience in gender cognition. One study indicates that male brains are wired for motor skills (which we parents affectionately call “roughhousing”), while female brains tend to blend analytical and intuitive thinking (think drawing).
This doesn’t imply that boys can’t excel at drawing—my 3-year-old can draw for hours—but generally, these tendencies influence how children behave. Another study reinforces the notion that women excel in verbal memory and social cognition, while men often possess superior motor and spatial skills. That’s why boys might talk later than girls, with girls often becoming the chatterboxes in the room while boys might communicate primarily through grunts. My boys certainly went through that phase.
Research from What to Expect shows that girls are also better at interpreting emotions. After analyzing over 100 studies, researchers found that “girls are better at discerning people’s emotions based on facial expressions.” This could explain why girls are often perceived as better behaved—they’re more attuned to their caregivers’ emotions and take guidance more seriously. Boys, on the other hand, may not pick up on those cues quite as well. Of course, this is a generalization—sometimes my boys listen, and sometimes they don’t. I know girls who can be little terrors and boys who are gentle souls. However, according to NEA Today, “At every grade, from kindergarten on, girls demonstrate better social and behavioral skills than boys, and they achieve higher grades.” This is influenced by both socialization and biology.
Yes, we tend to parent boys and girls differently: we’re more likely to gift a boy a football rather than a doll, and we might anticipate some rambunctious behavior. Ultimately, though, little boys and girls are biologically distinct. My sons gravitate towards shows like Dinotrux and Dinosaur Train instead of My Little Pony. And trust me, it’s not for lack of trying on my part; they simply have their preferences. They are more inclined to engage in physical play than artistic endeavors, and every little girl I know seems to have a knack for reading emotions that my boys haven’t quite grasped. Initially, I thought I had done something wrong, but it turns out my suspicions were misplaced—biology has its way of asserting itself.
So, as progressive and socially aware parents, we can relinquish the guilt that arises when our sons launch their dolls against the wall or when our daughters tuck their toy trucks in for the night. We can offer them swords and princess dresses alike, but in the end, boys will likely choose the swords while girls gravitate towards the dresses. That’s simply biology, and it’s perfectly okay.
Summary
The article discusses the biological differences between boys and girls while emphasizing that progressive parenting can still acknowledge these differences without guilt. It highlights how societal expectations have shaped our understanding of gender roles, but science supports that innate differences influence behavior and preferences.