People love to share their struggles with their kids’ sleep patterns.
“Oh, my son, Alex, just turned three, and he still wakes up at least twice a night! I can barely function. I haven’t enjoyed an uninterrupted night’s sleep since before he was born. It’s exhausting!”
“Honestly, you have no idea what I deal with! My daughter, Lily, wakes up at 5 a.m. every single day! Can you even believe it?”
To these folks, I say: you’re amusing.
I firmly believe in the relativity of all things. Your challenges are valid, even if they don’t compare to the hardships some face. But when it comes to kids and their sleep habits? There’s no contest. My children are, without a doubt, the worst sleepers in history. And my 4-year-old? He’s the reigning champion of sleeplessness.
I labored with him for what felt like an eternity—okay, it was actually 42 hours—but still, too much time! We left the hospital two hours after he was born. He slept through most of the 25-minute ride home, even during our McDonald’s pancake detour. Then, he woke up and basically never slept again.
Since he could talk (which was way too early, around 8 months), he’s woken me up every couple of hours to chat about various topics, often depending on the urgency of the matter. He still sneaks into our bed, sometimes going back to sleep, and other times launching into an existential crisis demanding a thorough discussion—possibly even therapy.
We’ve covered a range of topics during these late-night conversations, from birthday presents to the mysteries beyond our solar system (which I have zero answers for). Here’s a list of 13 common subjects that keep both him and me awake at night:
- Carburetors
What’s a carburetor? I have no idea. Apparently, it’s a car part. I learned that at 4 a.m. - Math & Solar Power
How do these connect? It’s dark at 4 a.m., making solar-powered calculators pretty useless. But turning on every light in the house? That works! - Life
How does a baby enter the uterus? How does it exit? Why don’t I have a vagina? Is there a baby in your uterus now? My answer? No, I don’t have a uterus anymore. And no, we can’t get a robot to help with that! - Death
What happens after you die? We tried to avoid this topic by saying it’s a mystery. Never tell a 4-year-old that. We ended up fabricating stories about heaven and reincarnation. Desperate times call for desperate measures! - Hamsters
His sister’s hamster passed away. Why did the cat get the hamster? What happens to hamsters when they die? They come back as cats? - Trucks
Why are they so big? What do they carry? If we had one, where would we go? Spoiler: I’d put you in it right now. - Holidays
How long until my birthday? What will I get? Can I have a hamster? If I hear another midnight countdown, I swear I’ll cancel it! - The Moon
What’s it made of? Why can we only see parts? Where does it vanish during the day? Can we go there? Nope! Go to sleep! - The Air Conditioner
How does it work? What makes the air cold? Does it chop off hands? Yes, it does. So, sleep! - Exhaust Systems
What is it made of? Why is it bad for the environment? Should we ride our bikes more? If the ice caps melt, we drown. The end. - More Trucks
Different sizes, types, how they work—trucks seem to be an endless topic of fascination. - The Sun
Why is it hot? What happens if it burns out? If that occurs, we all die. And it’s a mystery, remember?
This article reflects the nightly escapades of parenthood, but if you’re on a journey of your own, be sure to check out this resource on home insemination and this invaluable guide on fertility. For more information, the Genetics and IVF Institute is an excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination.
To summarize, navigating the late-night dialogues with my preschooler is a blend of humor and bafflement as we tackle everything from the mundane to the profound.