Greetings! You’ve reached the government-funded, always-open support hotline for all your pregnancy-related needs. To provide you with the best assistance, please navigate through our automated menu before we connect you to a representative. Let’s kick things off by determining if you want to have this baby at all. Let’s be real—pregnancy can be quite the hassle, right?
To begin, press 1 if you want to terminate this pregnancy swiftly and painlessly, no questions asked. Your body, your choice! Nobody expects you to lug around a watermelon for a year, push it out of your body, and then take on the daunting task of parenting unless you’re completely ready for it.
However, if you choose to keep the baby (and we totally get it if you have your reasons), there are some government benefits we must mention in a totally judgment-free manner. You’ll receive eight weeks of paid bed rest leading up to the arrival of your little miracle, followed by seven months of paid paternity leave. Expect weekly visits from cheerful caregivers, nutritious meal deliveries, and even soothing massages to help you recover and regain your strength.
Once your paternity leave is over, you’re guaranteed a spot at one of the 10 million government-subsidized day care centers located conveniently every mile across the country. Caring educators will ensure your child gets the attention they deserve while fostering a strong bond.
Included in your pregnancy package is a year’s supply of delightful, side effect-free birth control that tastes like bacon or cotton candy—it’s all completely free, with optional lumberjack-beard growth!
If you’re certain you want to go ahead with ending the pregnancy, press 1 again for a discreet, no-questions-asked abortion. We’re even testing a new system where you can just click your heels together and softly say, “There’s no place like control over my body…” and voilà! You’re all set. We might have a few bugs to iron out, but in the meantime, we offer fun options like abortion-flavored lollipops, beer, and even garlic bread—all packaged discreetly and completely free for you, covered by every insurance plan imaginable.
Press 2 if you’d prefer to discuss your options with a doctor in person. Just a heads-up: the only nearby doctor is a religious zealot who might deny you the care you need. Not to worry! Our Men’s Body Support Squad will step in and make sure you get the medical assistance you deserve, free from any judgment.
Press 3 if you’ve decided to embrace this journey and are eager for some early bed rest. You’ll receive 75% of your salary, a plush new mattress, home visits from a nurse, and even Girl Scout cookies!
Press 4 for information on our leadership program designed to ensure you keep your current job at 75% pay during your bed rest and paternity leave. Your new skills in empathy, multitasking, and crisis management will be highly sought after in today’s workplace.
Press 5 if you’re feeling some back pain; our friendly team member, Lisa, will be right over to assist you. Press 6 for free vitamins and nutritious meal deliveries. We want to ensure both you and your baby are well taken care of. Press 7 if you’re craving a donut because we know that baby cravings can hit hard. And remember, recent guidelines allow men to gain up to 100 pounds during pregnancy; think of it as a badge of honor for growing a human!
If you’d like to get back into your favorite pants, press 8 for information on our postpartum personal training program, available when you’re ready. But remember, take it easy—self-care is key! Press 9 for ramen.
This piece was originally published on January 20, 2017.
In summary, if men were the ones advocating for reproductive rights, the conversation would shift dramatically, focusing on support, understanding, and a plethora of resources available to ensure a healthy and empowering experience. For further insights, check out our other blog post on navigating reproductive rights and the importance of understanding your options.