Dear Beloved Offspring,
By now, you’ve probably realized that your mother isn’t exactly bright-eyed and bushy-tailed in the mornings. For your own safety—and my sanity—I’ve put together a list of things to avoid before I’ve had my first cup of coffee (that magical elixir that transforms me from a grumpy ogre into a functioning human). If you choose to ignore this warning, well, let’s just say I can’t be held accountable for your well-being. You’ve been cautioned.
-
Please, No Stomping
Do NOT charge up and down the stairs like a herd of woolly mammoths. Honestly, even the wildest elephants would be jealous of the racket you make first thing in the morning. -
Breakfast Queries are Off the Table
Do NOT ask me what’s for breakfast. You’re not toddlers anymore; you can fend for yourselves! I already fed you dinner less than 12 hours ago. Scavenge as you wish; cold pizza and mayonnaise sandwiches are perfectly acceptable! -
Keep the Questions to Yourself
Do NOT barrage me with questions. Whether it’s about sleepovers, allowances, or the latest pet request, the answer will be a resounding “No!” Also, I’m not equipped to discuss math or the distance to the sun until I’m fully awake—trust me on this. -
TV Is a No-Go
Do NOT turn on the television. I have zero tolerance for Caillou or Disney antics until I’ve had my caffeine fix. (Okay, even after coffee, I might not be able to handle it without muttering under my breath.) -
No Annoying Noises
Do NOT make irritating sounds. Whistling, humming, or any form of vocal shenanigans will not be tolerated. Save your antics for the schoolyard, because if I hear you “beat boxing” or making obnoxious noises, I might lose it. -
Injustices Can Wait
Do NOT come to me with tales of injustice, real or imaginary. Whether your sibling called you names or hogged the last slice of bread, just keep it to yourself until I’ve had my caffeine fix. -
No Friends, Please
Do NOT invite friends over. While I understand weekends can get lonely, I don’t want anyone witnessing the pre-coffee version of me. Plus, you tend to get even louder with friends around, and I can’t promise I won’t lose my cool. -
Hands Off the Coffee
Do NOT sneak up behind me to check how close I am to finishing my coffee. This will only irritate me and make you wait longer for my caffeine-induced transformation into a somewhat functional parent.
Don’t worry, my dear children, after a mug (or possibly two) of this magical brew, I’ll return to my usual patient self. Just give me a few moments of quiet time to gather myself for the day ahead. Thanks for understanding!
Sincerely, Your Now Caffeinated and Ready-to-Parent Mom
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In summary, remember to tread lightly in the mornings, keep the noise down, and let mom enjoy her coffee before unleashing the day’s chaos.