When my son Leo was about 2 and a half years old, he first declared, “I no want that!” It was Grandparents’ Day at preschool, and I had picked out this adorable outfit for him. The exchange went something like this: Leo, tugging at the shirt and shaking his head, “I no want that!”
I was taken aback. “What do you mean you don’t want it? This is the cutest thing ever!” In my defense, it was a charming little outfit with bright colors and fun patterns—what’s not to love?
“I no want that!” he insisted.
Taking a deep breath, I pulled back and let him choose. Sure, his selection resembled “play clothes” more than “Grandparents’ Day” attire, but he looked adorable in his choice. Most importantly, he was happy and satisfied to have the chance to decide.
Whether we realize it or not, even at a young age, children have a sense of self and their own preferences. While these might not align with our own, who are we to dictate what’s right for them? As parents, we often worry about how others perceive us and our children. I’ve come to learn that what others think of me is not my concern. For kids, navigating social perceptions can be tougher, and they may struggle. It’s part of being human. The key is to provide them the opportunity to confront these struggles rather than stepping in to shield them from every bump in the road.
A friend once shared how her son wanted to wear his sister’s sparkly headband to preschool. Instead of suggesting he leave it behind, she embraced his choice and sent him off with a hug, wishing him a fantastic day. My daughter, Mia, often sports mismatched socks—by her choice. And when my son once asked for yellow nail polish on his fingers to wear to daycare, I offered him the option of saving it for the weekend, but he opted to flaunt it during the week. I also sent him off with wishes for a great day.
By supporting their choices, we send a powerful message: they are loved unconditionally. We affirm that their preferences matter and that they are cherished, whether they choose pink barrettes, yellow nail polish, or mismatched socks.
So, what’s the takeaway when we say “no”? I’m not sure what it fully means for our children. The boy with the headband may have faced some giggles or even received high-fives. Mia might have caught some side-eye for her sock choices, and I bet at least one kid asked Leo why his nails were yellow.
But here’s the thing: whatever their experiences, they all learned valuable lessons. He might have discovered what it means to be brave. She may have felt what it’s like to stand out and whether that’s okay. Leo may have figured out how to handle embarrassment or even enjoy the spotlight.
What’s most important is that they learned they can make choices in life, and regardless of the outcomes, they will always have a nurturing place to land—in the loving arms of their parents. We let them be themselves, celebrating their quirks and choices, whether it’s a questionable outfit, bright nail polish, or anything in between.
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Summary
Allowing young children to make their own choices fosters their sense of self and confidence, even if their decisions differ from our preferences. Supporting their individuality, whether it’s mismatched socks or colorful nail polish, reinforces their worth and provides a safe space for them to express themselves.