Zero Thanks for This Potty Training Advice

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I did everything I could to dodge the potty training bus. Sure, part of it was sheer laziness, but a bigger part was the terrifying recollections of sharing a bathroom with my little brothers. Ah, the glory days of sticky floors, toilet seats adorned with “mystery splashes,” and the overwhelming sensation that my morning routine was happening in a rundown gas station restroom.

But as I kept postponing it, my social media feed erupted with proud parents celebrating their kids’ potty training wins. I get it—who wouldn’t want to cheer for little Max triumphing on Day 2 of his toilet journey? But I remained cautious. You can’t really trust Facebook, right? I was convinced that for every bragging post, there was a hidden stash of poop lurking in the closet. Eventually, the day came when I could no longer ignore the inevitable. My son’s preschool teacher insisted that I send him in underwear because he was excelling at school. I felt my heart drop, but she was so sure.

“Oh, don’t worry!” she chirped. “Just toss a Cheerio in the toilet. He’ll sink it like it’s a game!” Just. Like. A. Game. Somehow, those words didn’t echo ominously in my head, but using cereal as a target for a toddler with less-than-stellar aim wasn’t the worst advice I’d receive.

I owe zero gratitude to those who handed me terrible potty training tips. As a public service, I’m sharing these gems so you can avoid this, ahem, “crappy” advice.

“Make him sink a Cheerio! It’ll be fun!”

Ever played that carnival game where you squirt water at a target to win a tacky prize? Imagine that, but with a three-year-old aiming at a floating Cheerio. It’s a disaster waiting to happen. Instead of winning that prize, you’ll find yourself scrubbing floors with bleach wipes. My advice? Keep the cereal in the bowl—preferably the non-porcelain kind.

“Stock up on bribery Skittles!”

This might work for the rule-abiding kids, but for the crafty ones? Nope. My son quickly learned to stretch his bathroom trips into multiple visits, cashing in on a mountain of candy. After a sugar-fueled meltdown and a near miss with a UTI, we ditched the bribes. The new reward? Not sitting in soggy pants. Congratulations, kiddo—you’ve earned some dignity!

“Invest in that adorable singing potty!”

I won’t lie; for a few days, I thought I hit the jackpot. The congratulatory tunes and cheerful flushing sounds were delightful—until a midnight serenade left me wide-eyed and terrified. There’s nothing quite like waking up to a child’s voice singing in the bathroom when your kid isn’t even in there. Trust me: skip the singing toilet unless you want a haunting experience.

“Tell your child that poop feeds fish!”

I’ll admit, while this is downright terrible advice, it’s hilarious to watch your child’s reaction when you casually mention that “Nemo needs a snack!” Is it effective? Not really. But it’s comedic gold.

Despite the avalanche of awful advice, we eventually made it through potty training. Like every aspect of parenting, it became about finding what clicked for our family. Now, I’m one of those obnoxiously proud parents sharing my kid’s bathroom victories. Yes, I’ve become quite the expert! Have you tried the sinking Cheerio game? It’s surprisingly effective.

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In summary, while potty training can feel like a daunting challenge filled with unsolicited advice, it’s all about finding your groove. Embrace the chaos, and maybe steer clear of the Cheerio game.