Stop Bugging Me About Teaching My Baby to Self-Soothe

home insemination Kit

Updated: Dec. 9, 2020

Originally Published: Feb. 5, 2017

“Time to teach that baby a lesson!”

Why does it feel like everyone has an opinion on how to raise your child? Look, I’m not claiming to be the perfect parent, but my instincts—yes, those lovely mommy instincts—guide me pretty well (most of the time). So why does so much parenting advice clash with what we naturally feel? Or is it just me? And let’s be real: where was that advice about not bathing with a baby who has the stomach flu when I needed it?

Right now, my biggest annoyance is the idea of “teaching my baby a lesson.” My little one is just 10 months old—a baby, not a student. Babies don’t need lessons on anything, unless it’s how to operate a coffee maker or pop open a bottle of wine. They need to grow, explore, and yes, even learn to stop playing in the dog’s water bowl.

Recently, we hit the dreaded separation anxiety stage like a frying pan to the face (cue the coffee and wine). Just when I thought I had this parenting thing down, my little guy suddenly cries if I merely glance at the door. It’s exhausting! I’m overwhelmed and worn out. At our nine-month pediatric check-up, the doctor told us he was healthy, happy, and developmentally on track. When she asked about his sleep, I explained that while he stays asleep once he drifts off, getting him to sleep is a whole different story.

Before I could finish, she jumped in with, “You need to let him cry it out.” I asked if she had gentler alternatives, and she pressed me on whether we’d tried the cry-it-out method. I admitted that, out of sheer desperation, we had tried. After fifty-eight minutes of listening to my baby wail, I went in to find a terrified, sweaty little boy. Never again.

When she suggested we be more consistent and try again the next night, I thought, “How could I be clearer?” “Nope, it was torture for all of us.” That’s when things took a turn for the worse. “Well, he won. You need to teach him you’re not coming back. If he vomits from being upset, just clean it up. It’s normal. He won’t remember. He needs to learn you won’t give in.”

Did she just imply my child needs to learn that I won’t come back, no matter how much he cries? That’s not happening. My mission in life is to show him I will always return. If he needs anything, I’m right there.

I mentioned research indicating that letting babies cry can raise cortisol levels, which can lead to changes in the brain over time. All she could say was that he wouldn’t remember. “When he’s 9 or 10, this will be your memory, not his. He won’t recall it.” Please, tell me how that’s okay? Just because he won’t remember, I should not care for him? That logic doesn’t work anywhere else. Just look at today’s world; justifying harmful actions because someone won’t recall them is never acceptable. At his age, he won’t remember anything. So, does that mean I don’t need to care? Absolutely not!

Fast-forward to yesterday’s separation anxiety at its peak. I had to leave him to get some work done. Usually, he’s fine playing with others, but not yesterday. His cries echoed as I said goodbye—heart-wrenching wails. I had to work, but I watched the clock anxiously, knowing my little guy was in distress. When I returned, I found a baby who refused food and was utterly exhausted, convinced I had abandoned him. While I can’t change the need to leave him sometimes, I will fight against the narrative that this anxiety is a problem.

“He needs to learn to be alone.”
“It’s good for him to cry. Babies cry.”
“You’ve spoiled him.”
“You can’t pick him up every time he cries.”
“Self-soothe.”
“He’ll be overly attached.”
“He’ll be five and not able to play nicely with others.”

The list goes on. This type of separation anxiety often arises as babies learn to walk. It’s a natural instinct for self-preservation, ensuring they don’t wander too far from us. It’s exhausting, especially for moms, but it’s a necessary phase.

If this sounds familiar, know that it’s not your fault, Mama. We need to stop letting others dictate our parenting. You are the mom, and you know best. Trust your instincts. This isn’t about letting them cry it out or self-soothing. It’s about understanding what your baby needs because you are their mom.

If you had an older child afraid of the dark, would you lock them in a dark room and let them scream? No way! You’d give them a night-light, show them there’s nothing to fear, and gradually help them adjust on their own terms. It’s a phase they will outgrow. Forcing them to face their fears won’t help.

I’m terrified of snakes. Are people shoving one in my hands to “help” me get over it? Nope! The best way to help our little ones through this phase is to teach them that we are there for them. Show them love and support so they can grow confident in themselves. We need to stop trying to teach lessons and listen to our instincts more, ignoring the naysayers. You’ve got this, Mama!

For more insight on parenting and self-soothing, check out this excellent resource on artificial insemination for a deeper understanding of the journey to motherhood. And if you’re looking for tools to help expand your family, consider visiting Make a Mom.