Menu
Lifestyle
I Absolutely Detest Yoga. There, I Said It.
by Jamie Thompson
Updated: June 24, 2021
Originally Published: Feb. 10, 2017
Dear friends, family, that random person in the waiting room, and my gym trainer whose advice I didn’t seek:
I get it. You’re all trying to help. I hear you when you say, “You should really try yoga!” You care about my well-being, especially when I’m lamenting about stress, anxiety, and the new belly pooch that’s appeared. But here’s the thing: please just stop. If you keep insisting I take up yoga, I might just lose my mind and unleash some serious yoga-related rage.
I’ve given it a shot. I really can’t stand it. So, for the love of all that is holy, stop suggesting that yoga is the magical cure for everything.
Yes, I own at least 17 pairs of yoga pants. But they’re not exclusively for yoga. They’re perfect for leaping over Lego landmines in the living room or for making a strategic escape from a toddler’s room once they’ve finally drifted off. Plus, it’s scientifically proven that wearing yoga pants or any stretchy attire magically makes you 2 inches taller and 10 pounds lighter. #AlternativeFacts
I know what you’re thinking—I just haven’t found the right class, the perfect instructor, or the ideal style of yoga. These days, there’s a yoga type for everyone: breastfeeding-mom yoga, beer yoga, and even goat yoga. Yes, goat yoga. With a waiting list of 900 people. Because nothing screams zen like balancing in warrior pose while a baby goat frolics around. No, thanks. You can keep your adorable goats and your yoga.
And don’t even get me started on Bikram yoga. A room hotter than a dumpster fire filled with sweaty bodies? No, thank you. I already deal with night sweats; I don’t need to add the aroma of 50 strangers to the mix while I try to contort myself into a pretzel.
Everywhere I turn, someone is preaching the yoga gospel. My husband swears the pigeon pose will heal my aching hip. My best friend insists that yogalates will give me the body of a 22-year-old swimsuit model. And some random person in the waiting room thinks yoga will help me escape the chaos of the world.
Thanks for the suggestions, everyone, but really, please stop with the yoga talk.
I fully recognize that yoga has its benefits—stress relief, flexibility, muscle tone, and all that jazz. I know about sun salutations and their chakra-cleansing powers. Some guru even told my editor that the afterglow from yoga could rival an orgasm. (No thanks?) You tell me that deep breathing will take me to another astral plane while my dharma gets a cleanse. Or, perhaps I’ll just gain a bit of flexibility while unwinding after a long day of toddler tantrums.
Sure, that might all be accurate, but honestly? I don’t care. I’d much rather deal with my stress through a good run or mindlessly scrolling through Us Weekly while I cycle on the elliptical. You do your yoga thing, and I’ll stick to my preferences, okay?
I understand that yoga is touted as the answer to everything. I appreciate your glittery kundalini advice. But if one more person suggests yoga to me, my chaturanga might just explode right in your shavasana.
If you want more insights into home insemination and related topics, check out this excellent resource on IVF and fertility preservation. And if you’re looking to boost fertility, here’s a great product that could help.
For more tips and tricks, don’t forget to read our other blog post about home insemination.
Summary
This humorous take on the writer’s disdain for yoga highlights the unsolicited advice often given by friends and family regarding stress relief and wellness. The author shares personal anecdotes about the futility of yoga for them while embracing alternative stress-relief methods.