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Balancing the Needs of Your ASD and Non-ASD Kids: The Daily Challenge is Totally Real
Let’s be real; I know I place too many expectations on my neurotypical son, Ethan. I see it, I feel it, and honestly, it hits me in both big and small ways every single day. From the way he consistently steps up to be what we need him to be, to the moments he settles for less than he deserves just to help us move past a tough situation. The gentle sadness in his bright green eyes reflects things I wish I could shield him from.
Raising my oldest son, Jake, who has autism spectrum disorder (ASD), has always demanded a lot from us. Even before Jake received his diagnosis, our expectations for him were already high. Jake needs us—our time, our energy, our unwavering focus. He requires constant guidance and, let’s be honest, a bucketload of patience. Every day, we take deep breaths, digging deep to find more patience to navigate through the many challenges we face together.
He needs our love—unconditional love. Creating a sense of safety and comfort for him is a process that takes time. Everything needs to be just right, and we often find ourselves rearranging the pieces of our lives to achieve that. Some days, we have to wipe the slate clean and start all over again, but we do it because he’s our son, and our love for him is boundless.
Yet, in the whirlwind of focusing on Jake’s needs, we sometimes overlook Ethan. He has needs too—love, support, guidance, and moments filled with joy and silliness. He deserves to feel safe and comforted, just like his brother. He’s growing up in a home that isn’t always tranquil. Many days, he witnesses Jake’s meltdowns, the broken items, and the emotional aftermath that follows. He sees us struggling to stay strong and hears the heart-wrenching screams of his brother.
In those chaotic moments, I pull Ethan close and try to explain things that often leave me scratching my head. I talk to him about his special big brother and how everyone is different, needing different things. I remind him daily of the immense love Jake has for him—words I also need to hear myself. It’s all too easy to forget in the midst of the chaos that the anger and sadness are symptoms of autism, not a reflection of our beautiful boy. Love is the foundation we need to hold onto.
I reassure Ethan that everything will be okay, and I remind myself of that too. I know that soon, we’ll sit down together and have an open conversation about how special and unique Jake is. We’ll tackle autism head-on, using real words and real feelings to describe its presence in our lives. Ethan will have questions—like why Jake always gets the blue cup or why he has to swap toys when Jake changes his mind. He’ll ask why we sometimes have to leave his favorite activity because of Jake’s needs. And I promise to give him the answers he deserves.
Yes, I recognize that I expect too much from my youngest son. I ask him to be patient, brave, and kind—stronger than any typical 2-year-old should have to be. Yet, he continues to amaze me with the depth of his heart. I see the unconditional love he has for Jake, the way he bounces back from being pushed or hit, and how he quickly finds comfort with his brother again.
So while I may ask a lot from Ethan, he willingly gives so much in return. His love is a pure, fierce force that binds our family together—an ordinary little boy fiercely loving his brother, autism and all.
If you’re navigating similar challenges, check out more insights on this topic in our other blog posts, including this one. For authoritative advice, you can also visit Make a Mom and CCRM IVF, which are excellent resources for pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary
Parenting both ASD and non-ASD children presents unique challenges. It requires constant balancing of needs, love, and support for each child. While one child may demand more attention due to their autism, it’s crucial to also nurture the emotional and developmental needs of the neurotypical sibling. Open communication, patience, and unconditional love are vital in creating a harmonious family environment.