One day, my friend Sarah came barreling through my door, her toddler and baby in tow, both with tear-streaked faces and whining like they were auditioning for a soap opera. “They’ve been absolute terrors today!” she lamented, ushering them into the living room. I could totally relate.
“Mine have been a handful too,” I replied, motioning to my son, Max, who stood next to me, looking innocent as if he hadn’t just turned the living room into a battleground. “Is there a full moon or something? I can’t take the constant arguing.”
This wasn’t an isolated incident; many of us moms often vent about our little ones. They’re usually right there, listening to every word. I didn’t think much of it until one evening when my husband, Jake, and I were chatting with our neighbors. “I’m so lucky to have Jenna,” Jake said, wrapping his arm around me. He went on to share the things he appreciates about me, and despite feeling a bit shy, I was beaming with pride.
That moment stuck with me long after it ended, replaying in my mind like a sweet melody. It also made me reflect on how often I complain about my kids in their presence.
It hit me: everyone—kids, partners, friends—needs to hear positive affirmations. My kids deserve to hear me sing their praises instead of just airing my grievances. If hearing Jake’s compliments boosted my spirits, then what were my kids feeling when they heard me talk about their less-than-stellar behavior to others?
I’m not calling myself a harsh critic; I don’t scream at my kids or belittle them. But when they overhear me discussing how stubborn or grumpy they’ve been, it has to leave a mark. Even if they don’t explicitly notice it, those words linger in the air, much like breathing in polluted air or sipping contaminated water.
There’s something about overhearing someone speak positively about you that feels more genuine than a direct compliment. When someone praises you to another person, it seems more authentic, as if they’re not just trying to make you feel good. It conveys, “You’re so incredible that I want the world to know it.”
As a result, I’ve made a conscious effort to be more mindful of my words when my kids are around. Does this mean I don’t vent to Jake or my friends about the craziness of parenting? Not at all! They still drive me up the wall sometimes, but I try to keep those conversations when the kids aren’t in earshot.
Just the other day, during Max’s basketball game, he paused to help a teammate who had fallen while the game continued. I made sure to share that moment with his dad and brothers while Max was nearby. “Max showed such great sportsmanship today,” I said with a smile. “I was really proud of him.”
I hoped that by highlighting his good deed in front of him, I could counteract some of the negative vibes I might have already sent his way. The smile on his face as he absorbed the praise told me I was on the right track.
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In summary, making an effort to praise our children publicly can help build their self-esteem and reinforce positive behavior. It’s a small change that can have a big impact, ensuring they know they are loved and appreciated.