I left a note for my daughter next to her bed, explaining that I was taking her little brother to school, followed by a quick jog, and would return in about thirty minutes. She had gone to bed feeling unwell the night before, and her congested breathing made it clear she needed rest. I called her school to inform them she would be home for the day, and honestly, I felt relieved. I wasn’t ready to face the day alone.
My husband and I are separating, and I find myself wrestling with a mix of relief and guilt.
When I returned home, I found her sobbing in her father’s chair. Her face was so red and swollen that it was hard to believe she was my 11-year-old daughter. Her puffy eyes looked at me as if she were lost. I rushed to her side, and a wave of regret washed over me. What was I thinking going for a run when I should have been there for her? I felt like a complete failure.
“I don’t want Dad to move out,” she cried as I knelt beside her, wrapping my arms around her. The guilt was relentless, gnawing at me painfully, one bite at a time. It twisted inside me, leaving me feeling dirty and overwhelmed. I sat there, letting it batter me, my mind racing with doubts about my abilities as a mother. How could I leave her alone after we dropped this bombshell the night before?
The next day, when I dropped my youngest off at school and saw tears streaming down his face, soaking his fleece jacket, I was torn. Should I let him stay home or make him go? I wanted to hold him tight and tell him everything would be okay, that his father had changed his mind. What kind of mother sends her children to school when they’re upset about their father’s departure? What kind of mother keeps them home just because they’re sad?
I’ll tell you: a real mother who loves her kids fiercely and is doing her best to navigate a tough situation — and I’ve done both. The guilt swells in waves, wrapping around me, pulling me under. It’s suffocating yet inescapable. Those waves don’t release me until they’re ready, and sometimes they make me want to put on a brave face for my kids. I want to salvage what we can until they’re older, to forget the pain. Somewhere along the line, I lost the ability to separate my feelings from theirs. I want their happiness, yes, but I also crave it for myself — a selfish truth, I know. That’s the reality of being a mother.
I’ve been told that the guilt will fade and that things will improve after we get through this “hard part.” I wish that were enough to make it go away, but guilt is a stubborn companion. I need to flip the script and use it to my advantage, just like it has used me. I will transform this guilt into a tool for growth. It will make me a more attuned mother, helping me pay attention not only to my children’s feelings but also to my own.
I am someone who loves deeply and feels intensely. I’ve never been one to hide behind a facade or pretend that everything is perfect when it’s not — and yes, there’s guilt in that too. I feel guilty for writing this, questioning whether I should keep it to myself, but writing is my therapy, and I need it.
In the midst of my emotional storm, I often find inspiration. A friend might be going through something similar, I might stumble upon a news story, or read about someone who has faced even tougher challenges and emerged stronger. They always seem to come out on the other side — better than before.
This guilt has lodged itself in my heart and soul, and I can’t seem to shake it. But the power lies within me. I decide what to do with it. I can either let it consume me or use it to propel myself forward. I can share my story in hopes of helping someone else.
Me, not the guilt. I’m the one in charge now.
This experience has taught me that even in the midst of chaos, it’s possible to grow and evolve. For further insights on this journey, check out some of our other blog posts related to home insemination at Intracervical Insemination. If you’re interested in exploring options for starting a family, Make a Mom offers a wealth of resources. And for those curious about IVF, Healthline is an excellent source.
In summary, navigating the guilt of separation while striving to be a good mother is a complex journey. However, I am choosing to learn from it, embrace my feelings, and use my experiences to grow.