Choosing an Egg Donor: It’s a Lot Like Online Dating

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Choosing an Egg Donor: It’s Like Swiping Right for Your Future Family

by Lila Jones
Updated: March 16, 2023
Originally Published: March 9, 2023

When it comes to the age of your uterus, Fallopian tubes, and eggs, forty is definitely not the new thirty. Trust me, no amount of Botox is going to fix that!

The world of egg donation is reminiscent of where adoption stood three decades ago — shrouded in secrecy and whispered about in hushed tones. Celebrities flaunting baby bumps and enviable figures often leave us wondering, did they really use donor eggs?

In 2010, around 18,000 women embarked on the IVF journey using donor eggs. The trend has become a lifeline for older women still yearning for motherhood, as success rates continue to climb and the donor pool expands to include younger women facing ovarian issues.

So why do many women keep quiet about the true story behind their little bundles of joy? And what can you expect when you dive into the search for donor eggs, letting go of the dream of conceiving naturally?

At 38, my biological clock screamed at me, and I hit snooze. It chimed again, prompting me to part ways with a boyfriend who confessed he had no interest in fatherhood. Then, I met “the one,” an amazing guy who also wanted a family.

We didn’t meet in Paris, of course. The reality is we connected on Craigslist, not exactly in search of furniture or apartments. That’s a story I was hesitant to share at first.

After two years and one unsuccessful adoption attempt, we plunged into the murky waters of infertility treatments. Our love was strong, and his swimmers were speedy, but my eggs had clearly passed their prime. It was time for a new approach.

I’m not shy about my past in the online dating scene. If you haven’t tried it yourself, you’ve likely glimpsed over a friend’s shoulder as they browsed potential partners. So, it came as no surprise that perusing donor egg websites felt oddly familiar. With catchy names like “Conceivables” and “Alternative Conceptions,” these sites showcase countless women with dazzling smiles and pearly whites. It felt like I was back in the dating game!

The sheer number of options was dizzying. We laughed, we cried, and we uncovered unexpected feelings of jealousy and insecurity. I felt superficial rejecting a woman with a big nose (my partner has one, and I feared our future daughter might too). I winced at passing on a donor who didn’t finish college, or the pre-med student who revealed her mom’s history of depression. Trust me, this is one of the hardest decisions you’ll face.

But there’s more to consider: what does your partner want? For him, intelligence and education topped the list (he probably wouldn’t have picked me, given my less-than-stellar GPA!). He believed he could see happiness in a person’s face and sought someone with a “spark” like mine.

I was drawn to artists with dark hair and eyes, like my own, while also gravitating toward kind-hearted travelers and talented writers. I guess I was looking for a reflection of myself in these women.

We decided against meeting the donors face-to-face. It felt too complicated. Donor profiles provide quite a bit of detail, allowing you to glean insights into their personal and health history. Honestly, the entire process is captivating.

Then came the tough choice. After scouring multiple sites, I kept being drawn back to one particular woman. Her deep brown eyes and porcelain skin captivated me. She was an artist working as a nanny because she adored kids. She seemed intelligent and warm-hearted. I could envision us being friends.

It hit me: I had an egg crush! I shared this with my partner, who was deeply engrossed in his laptop. I thought it would get a laugh, and it did, but my feelings were genuine. Despite my attempts to remain objective, I was totally smitten!

Serendipity stepped in when I discovered that the agency we selected was run by a childhood friend of mine. We had just reconnected on social media days before. She suggested choosing at least three candidates, just in case one wasn’t available.

I was leading the search, but we both had veto power. He was much more emotionally detached than I pretended to be. It took almost a month to narrow our choices down to three donors. Looking back, I wish we had decided sooner, as time was still somewhat of the essence!

Here are a few insights we picked up along the way:

1. Prices vary significantly. The beauty queen pre-med student might charge you $12,000, while the average ranges from $5,500 to $8,500 for her Grade A eggs.
2. Timing can be tricky, and online information isn’t always accurate. The girl who’s “In Cycle” may be unavailable, while another might not be. We preferred someone local, which was challenging to pinpoint on many sites.
3. Demand can be high for certain donors. If you’ve got an “egg crush,” chances are you’re not the only one. You might have to wait for her next cycle. We weren’t willing to delay any further.

As fate would have it, another couple had their eye on my crush and acted a week sooner. Disappointment set in, but we pressed on. It’s human nature to form attachments, but remember that timing is crucial, and outcomes can be unpredictable.

After some ups and downs, we finally settled on the green-eyed mother with the English degree. We hired a lawyer, signed the donor contract, and prepared for the long list of medications. Game on!

Halfway through my cycle of daily medications and butt shots, I received a call that our donor had been in a serious car accident. Thankfully, she was on the road to recovery, but would I be? My heart ached, and doubt crept in. The mail brought another baby shower invitation, and I found myself seeking refuge under my covers with a large glass of wine.

Two days later, my husband insisted I take a call from my friend at the donor agency. She had exciting news: my original egg crush was now available again! Finally, the stars aligned!

Fast forward six years, and I have two incredible and healthy boys. I can’t imagine them being anyone else. They will grow up knowing their unique story. I am eternally grateful to the woman who chose to donate her eggs, allowing me the joy of motherhood. She is a goddess in my eyes. My sons may be miracles of science, but I am their proud mom, and they continue to amaze me every day.

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Summary

Choosing an egg donor can feel like navigating online dating again. From exploring various profiles to weighing emotional baggage, the process is filled with ups and downs. Lila shares her journey from searching for the perfect donor to embracing motherhood with her two wonderful sons, all while learning valuable lessons along the way.