I once thought of myself as trendy, which, let’s be honest, doesn’t mean much coming from a small tourist town in the Black Hills of South Dakota. But I had a handle on what was cool back then—oh yes, I did. Safety pins lining my jeans? Check. Mountain Dew at lunch every day? Double check. The Indigo Girls on repeat? You bet! Polo shirts, bodysuits, embellished denim jackets, and big bangs—yup, I rocked them all. I was the epitome of cool.
Fast forward to today, and that sense of coolness feels like a distant memory. The realization that I will never grasp what’s trendy again has been settling in for nearly a decade, and I’m finally embracing it. My brain just can’t process some concepts anymore, like how my beloved ’80s fashion is back in style. I recognize it, but I’ve moved on—plus, I doubt anyone really wants to see me revisiting that era.
Here’s a rundown of things I can no longer claim as part of my cool repertoire:
All the Wild Things People Do to Their Bodies
From vajazzling to steaming, and even jade egg insertion—what on earth is happening? My body and I are just fine, thanks! Keep your glue sticks and rhinestones away from me.
Top 40 Hits
Thanks to Pandora, I stick to my safe playlist, meaning my kids are likely to think the radio only plays snooze-inducing music. I know Spotify is cooler, but I’m okay with my laid-back tunes. When I attempt to listen to hip-hop, I feel ancient, shocked by the lyrics that make me gasp in disbelief.
The New Lingo
Yikes, I just said “lingo.” I’m pretty sure that’s something only grandmas say. I refuse to use terms like “lit,” “hype,” or “#goals.” I remember cringing when my mom adopted “awesome,” and now it feels dead to me.
Tech Overload
Snapchat? No thanks. I can barely keep up with Facebook (definitely not cool) and Instagram. Anything beyond that is a foreign language. Reddit, Tumblr, Vine? I’ll pass.
Arm Tattoos
While I’ve considered it during my Pinterest browsing, searching for arm tattoos probably doesn’t scream “trendsetter.”
Ironic Glasses
I’m too close to needing actual reading glasses, which will inevitably end up scattered around my house like my other older relatives.
Understanding Trends Like Dabbing or Planking
Nope, not a clue. Let’s move on.
The Makeup Scene
Watching tutorials, contouring like Kim Kardashian, and ordering makeup boxes? I’m lost! I can barely manage foundation and eyeliner, and don’t even get me started on mascara.
Instagram Outfit Posts
When I first saw “OOTD,” I had to look it up—definitely not cool. Trust me, no one wants to see my black leggings and oversized sweatshirt every day.
And So Much More
There’s an endless list of things I’m not even aware of, and I’m sure it’s extensive.
Accepting my uncool status has been liberating. I happily pass the baton to my kids, who will soon be mortified by my attempts to use their slang. Fun times ahead! In my quest for what’s trendy, I discovered that online shopping and Netflix are still in, so I’ll take some credit for that at least. Totes!
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In summary, I’ve come to terms with my declining trendiness and embraced my new reality. While I may not be in the loop anymore, I can still enjoy the simple pleasures of life that keep me grounded.