My partner and I are both strong-minded individuals who occasionally clash. While we share the same core values, the everyday challenges of life can push us to our limits: stressing over bills, navigating family gatherings, carving out personal time, tripping over shoes in the hallway (again), or dealing with the mess of hair left in the shower drain (oops, my bad).
Fighting isn’t exactly my favorite activity in our relationship, but it’s an inevitable reality. These disagreements give us the opportunity to understand each other better and express feelings we might otherwise keep bottled up. As long as it remains respectful, I believe that arguing — and reconciling — can actually be beneficial.
So yes, I stand by the notion that marital disputes can be healthy. However, it gets tricky when these disagreements occur in front of the kids. Anyone who claims they never argue around their children is likely not being entirely truthful.
Research indicates that parents who squabble in front of their little ones can have negative impacts on their emotional well-being. Kids who witness intense fights often struggle with higher rates of anxiety, depression, and aggression. Hearing those statistics makes my heart sink.
We certainly don’t intend to have a blow-up while our kids are in the kitchen looking for more pancakes on a lazy Sunday morning. But sometimes, our human emotions take control, and the responsible parents we aspire to be momentarily forget the little ears listening in. No one wants to add stress to their children’s lives, but let’s face it — we’re all flawed.
My partner and I are very conscious of how our disagreements affect our three kids, who are 14, 12, and 5. Not only does the research support this, but our daughters are also pretty vocal about their feelings. They tell us they dislike it when we fight, that it makes them sad or puts them in a funky mood. Their feedback serves as a reminder of our duty to model healthy conflict resolution — to show them how to argue respectfully, find common ground, and then make up. While it’s not the ideal situation, fighting in front of the kids keeps us accountable to them — and to one another.
Sure, bickering in front of the children is less than desirable, but teaching them that a successful marriage is devoid of conflict isn’t realistic or healthy. We don’t want to model that it’s better to suppress one’s feelings or avoid standing up for oneself. Instead, we aim to teach them how to express their viewpoints, listen to others, and access their empathy, all while avoiding name-calling and hurtful words. Most importantly, we want them to witness us resolving our differences so they can learn to navigate their own conflicts.
This approach sounds great in theory, but it’s not always easy to implement when emotions run high. I recognize that presenting every fight as a learning opportunity doesn’t justify having arguments in front of our kids. One of the worst sights is the worried look on my child’s face when she sees us squabbling — wide eyes, mouth agape, and looking like the world is ending. I’ve watched our daughters go from calm to visibly upset when witnessing our disagreements.
Yet, pretending my partner and I never argue is disingenuous, and I don’t want to raise kids who think love means never disagreeing or that they should stifle their own feelings. My children deserve relationships where they feel secure enough to voice their discontent, even if it leads to some arguing.
When my partner and I do find ourselves tossing verbal grenades across the kitchen counter, we always make it a point to reconnect with our girls afterward. We explain that adults who love each other sometimes argue, that our conflicts are not about them, and that we’re sorry if we caused them any worry. Then, my partner leans in and showers me with silly kisses while our tween and teen roll their eyes at us, and the 5-year-old tries to join the fun.
Disagreements are a part of life. What truly matters is how we handle those disagreements and reconcile later, as this shapes not only our marriage but also our kids’ understanding of relationships.
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In summary, while arguments in front of children can be uncomfortable, they also provide teachable moments about conflict resolution and emotional expression. It’s essential to navigate these situations with care to ensure our kids grow up understanding that love includes healthy disagreements.