Text Me, Message Me, Email Me, But PLEASE Don’t Call Me

home insemination Kit

Like many people today, I have an almost symbiotic relationship with my smartphone. It’s my go-to for everything—staying in touch with family, jotting down notes, crafting shopping lists, and even managing my finances. However, there’s one thing I fervently avoid using it for: actual phone calls.

Sure, kids can complicate phone conversations, but honestly, that’s not the root of my disdain. Phone calls aren’t just a minor annoyance for me; I genuinely detest them. If I had to choose between being thrown into a pit of spiders, enduring hot yoga, or making a phone call, I’d take the pit every time.

When Lady Grantham remarked in Downton Abbey about whether a telephone was an instrument of communication or torture, I couldn’t help but shout at my screen, “Yes! Torture!” I know I’m not alone in this struggle. Many of us dread calling the doctor’s office for appointments. We’re the ones who let calls roll into voicemail about 99% of the time.

Why do we avoid phone calls?

Because they’re just so painfully awkward. While the discomfort of calling someone unfamiliar is clear (don’t even try to argue otherwise), I also cringe at the thought of talking to friends or acquaintances on the phone.

Let’s break down the torturous experience of making a call into eight distinct phases:

1. The Pre-Call Procrastination
   I put off the call until it’s practically an emergency. During this time, I berate myself for being incapable of making a simple phone call like a regular human being.
2. The Ring of Prayer
   Riiing. (Please, don’t answer!) Riiing. (Go to voicemail!) Riiing. (Yes, yes, they’re not going to pick up!) Riiing. (Deep breath—you’ll have to leave a message.)
3. The “Oh Sweet Jesus” Pickup
   “Hello?” Oh no, someone’s actually answered. My mind goes blank. What was I calling about? Buy some time: “Hi! It’s Jamie.” As if they didn’t already know—thanks, caller ID!
4. The Painful Small Talk
   “How are you?” “I’m fine, how about you?” “I’m good. How’s your family?” How long does this small talk need to last? Questions seem endless, and I wonder how anyone survives this awkwardness.
5. The Blind Transition
   It feels like an eternity has passed, though it’s probably been 30 seconds. Now, it’s time to pivot to the reason for my call, which I’ve nearly forgotten. Conversations have visual cues, but on the phone? Just an agonizing silence followed by, “So…I’m calling because…”
6. The Simultaneous Talking Two-Step
   Conversations might flow for a moment, but inevitably, we both start talking at once. Then we both stop. “Sorry, what were you saying?” “You go ahead.” [Insert awkward laughter] Ugh, the discomfort is overwhelming.
7. The “So anywaaayyy…” Wrap-Up
   How does one even end a phone call? I want to scream, “Are you done talking? Because I’m done too, and I just want to hang up!” Instead, I awkwardly say, “So, anywaaayyy…” and follow it up with something ridiculous like, “I’d better get going.” But where am I going?
8. The “Who Goes First?” Hang-Up
   Eventually, one of us has to take the plunge and end the call. “It was nice chatting!” “You too!” “Alright, talk to you later!” “Yep, talk to you later.” (Didn’t they just say that?) “Bye.” “Mmmbye.” Why do I always say “Mmmbye”? Who knows—phone calls are the worst.

If you’re someone who actually enjoys phone conversations, you’re probably scratching your head at all this fuss. That’s perfectly fine. I’m the one for whom email and texting were created. I communicate far better in writing, so spare me the “phone calls are more personal” argument.

Text me, message me, email me, or even send me a carrier pigeon, but for the love of all that’s holy, please don’t call me. I probably won’t answer anyway.

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Summary:

This humorous take on the anxiety of phone calls highlights the awkwardness and discomfort many people feel when communicating this way. The author details the eight stages of dread that accompany making a call, emphasizing a preference for texting and messaging over voice conversations.