I walked into my first Al-Anon meeting at 22, feeling like a deer in headlights. After an unsuccessful search through self-help books to understand my quirks and emotional baggage, I finally acknowledged the source of my struggles: my childhood home, where an alcoholic father was a constant presence. Until then, I couldn’t even say the words “My dad was an alcoholic” to my friends, paralyzed by shame and fear. Would they pity me? Judge me?
That first meeting was a game changer. I left with a mix of relief and clarity, realizing that my upbringing shaped who I was and that, despite not drinking myself, I had an emotional journey ahead. I worked through the steps, confronted my past, and set out to build a healthier future. But then I became a mom, and little did I know that being an ACOA mom would bring its own set of challenges—because the effects of growing up in an alcoholic household don’t just vanish when you leave.
It’s estimated that about 43% of adults in the U.S. (roughly 76 million people) have been impacted by alcoholism in their families. So, if you think you’re the only mom in the school pickup line who grew up with an alcoholic, think again.
Here are five truths about navigating motherhood as an ACOA:
- You Worry Excessively
Growing up in a chaotic environment often leads to heightened anxiety. ACOA moms tend to be overprotective and hyperaware of their children’s needs, going above and beyond to break the cycle of dysfunction. This constant vigilance can leave you feeling tense and on high alert, even when things are going smoothly. - Normalcy Feels Foreign
When life is flowing smoothly—your marriage is solid, the kids are thriving—you might feel an overwhelming sense of panic. This stems from a childhood where normal often turned into chaos in an instant. The anticipation of disaster makes it hard to recognize and enjoy the good times, which can lead to obsessive thoughts about worst-case scenarios. - You’re a People-Pleaser
In your quest to avoid conflict and create harmony, you may bend over backwards to keep your kids happy, often forgetting that you’re their parent, not just their friend. This need to please can leave you feeling uncomfortable when your authority is challenged, as you’ve learned to sidestep confrontation to feel safe. - You Crave Structure
Children thrive on routine, but for ACOA moms, unpredictability can be triggering. Dealing with a stubborn child can bring back memories of a chaotic childhood where anything could go wrong at any moment. You seek comfort in predictability, but it can be tough to adapt when faced with the messiness of parenting. - You’re Your Own Harshest Critic
You may struggle with self-criticism, feeling like you’re failing at motherhood, often stemming from a childhood belief that you were to blame for your parent’s issues. This relentless pursuit of perfection can lead to constant doubt in your parenting abilities, taking a toll on your emotional well-being.
Despite these challenges, many ACOAs possess remarkable strengths that can make them incredible mothers. We often develop loyalty, intuition, and empathy—traits that help us navigate our children’s struggles with compassion.
If you’re an ACOA mom and want to understand more about how your upbringing affects your parenting, check out resources like the ACOA website for articles and support groups. And remember, you’re not alone in this journey. For more information on home insemination and related topics, explore the excellent resources available at NHS and Make a Mom.