In March 2014, I welcomed my second daughter, Lily, which means “pure” and “innocent.” Her arrival was steeped in hope, as our first daughter, Emma, was stillborn, leaving our hearts heavy with loss. Lily is our rainbow baby — a child born after a sibling’s death, symbolizing hope and healing.
Getting pregnant again after losing Emma was a monumental challenge, second only to the heartbreak of saying goodbye to her. Resources for those navigating pregnancy after loss were scarce, so three months after Lily’s birth, I launched Pregnancy After Loss Support (PALS). This community offers support to mothers who have experienced miscarriage, stillbirth, or child loss, providing hope for safe arrivals while honoring their grief.
I envisioned that once Lily was born healthy, life would become easier and some of the weight of grief would lift. While that did happen to an extent, I faced feelings and situations I didn’t anticipate. If you’re on the verge of bringing home your rainbow baby, here’s a glimpse into what you might experience — lessons I wish I had known ahead of time.
1. Triggers Are Everywhere
Your new baby can be a trigger for memories of loss. There are moments when Lily, sleeping peacefully in my arms, resembles Emma just for a fleeting second. It’s both comforting and upsetting. Everyday items, like clothes once intended for Emma or an untouched car seat, can trigger waves of grief as well. The most challenging triggers are the experiences you missed with your first child that now arise with your living baby. Life can feel downright unfair at times.
2. Doubts Will Creep In
You might question if you “deserve” this baby after losing another. Thoughts like “Why am I allowed to keep Lily when Emma is gone?” can surface. Guilt may accompany the love you feel for your living child, and it’s crucial to understand that these feelings are completely normal. You absolutely deserve this joy.
3. Leaving the Hospital is Empowering
I once left a hospital without my baby, a memory that still haunts me. The day Lily was born was filled with anxiety and overshadowed by the loss of her sister. However, the moment we left the hospital together, it felt exhilarating — truly one of the best days of my life.
4. Fear is Part of the Package
Parenting after loss can feel overwhelming. When Lily slept, my anxiety was through the roof. I feared that if I wasn’t constantly watching her breathe, something terrible might happen. Finding coping mechanisms, whether through baby monitors or therapy, can be vital. Remember, it’s perfectly normal to feel anxious in this situation.
5. Tears Will Flow
You will find yourself crying over your rainbow baby. Grieving for what could have been with Emma while holding Lily is a part of re-grieving. I remember many nights nursing Lily, overwhelmed by tears as I thought of our lost daughter. My husband would gently ask, “Emma?” and I could only nod, tears streaming down my face. It’s a painful yet healing experience.
6. Sharing Your Rainbow Baby May Be Tough
Many new moms struggle to share their newborns with others, and this is especially true for mothers who have experienced loss. The instinct to protect your baby is strong, and it’s perfectly okay to take your time before introducing them to others.
7. Searching for Your Lost Child’s Face
When Lily was placed on my chest, I instinctively searched her features for traces of Emma. It was confusing because while I know Lily is her own person, those fleeting moments can feel like a mix of joy and sorrow.
8. Name Mix-Ups are Common
In the months after Lily’s birth, I often called her Emma by mistake. While it felt awkward at first, it’s a natural slip, especially in the emotional whirlwind of new parenthood. It’s a reminder of how intertwined their stories are.
9. Postpartum Challenges May Arise
Moms who experience loss are at an increased risk for postpartum depression and anxiety. If you find yourself struggling, seeking help from a health professional can make a world of difference. There’s no shame in asking for support.
10. You’ll Grieve for Missed Moments
The grief doesn’t just vanish after bringing your rainbow baby home. You’ll find yourself mourning the milestones Emma will never reach, which can be a continual process throughout your rainbow baby’s life.
11. Feelings of Detachment and Overprotection
It’s common to experience complex emotions after your rainbow baby arrives. You might swing between being overly protective and feeling detached, fearing you might lose another child. These feelings will evolve over time.
12. Isolation is Real
New moms often feel isolated, but this sensation can be amplified for those who’ve lost a child. You might feel like you don’t fit in with other new mothers because you carry a unique story. Remember, you are not alone; there are supportive communities waiting to connect.
13. Joy Will Return
Despite the heaviness of your past, joy will find its way back. Laughter, smiles, and love will envelop you again. You’ve triumphed over tremendous challenges, and you deserve all the happiness that comes your way.
14. Your Lost Child Will Always Be Remembered
A rainbow baby does not replace a child that has passed away. You will always hold a space in your heart for Emma. Her memory will linger in the everyday beauty around you, reminding you of the love that endures.
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Summary
Welcoming a rainbow baby brings a complex mix of emotions, from joy to grief and everything in between. It’s essential to acknowledge the triggers, doubts, and feelings of anxiety that may arise while embracing the love and happiness your new child brings. Remember, you are not alone in this journey, and support is available.