I know my daughter, Lily, craves quality time with me, and I feel a surge of gratitude whenever she invites me for a cozy snuggle. Yet, I can’t shake the feeling that we’re so different that true understanding between us feels out of reach. As she nears her eleventh birthday, I yearn to strengthen our bond, but often I’m left wondering how to connect with her.
Like many mother-daughter duos, we enjoy outings together—like shopping sprees or ice cream runs—but conversation often dwindles to awkward silence. I try to ask her about her feelings, but she typically responds with a shrug or one-word answers. Although she throws me the occasional smile, it’s as if an invisible barrier exists between us that I can’t quite penetrate. I sometimes ponder whether I’m meant to be her best friend or if there’s another role I should embrace. Clarifying what she needs from me feels like a puzzle I can’t solve.
Fortunately, she has her dad, Tom. The two seem to share a genetic predisposition for certain foods, a good laugh, and a penchant for lounging in comfy clothes all day. It’s no surprise that marrying my complete opposite resulted in a child who mirrors his traits. There are moments when I wish Lily wasn’t the one who differed so greatly from me, but rather one of my sons, because then I’d feel more equipped to bridge that gap.
When I discovered I was having a girl, I envisioned someone like me—at least in some respects. We both adore chocolate and can easily lose ourselves in a good book, just like I did as a child. She has a passion for writing too, which fills me with pride, since writing is my original love language. Yet, our differences can sometimes overshadow our similarities, leaving us struggling to connect.
I imagined that when she began to show interest in boys, she’d come to me for advice or to share her feelings. Instead, she seems petrified at the thought of discussing anything related to boys or friendships, and I’m left wanting to understand her better so I can support her appropriately.
Not long ago, we began journaling together, which we both enjoyed. I thought it might be a fantastic way to deepen our relationship. I’d pose questions, and occasionally, she’d provide thoughtful replies. However, I eventually let it slide as my busy days wore me down.
Even though I’m eager to know her inner thoughts, I’ve realized that giving her space often leads to smoother interactions. I frequently question my effectiveness as a mother since she prefers to keep her thoughts to herself—especially around me. She’s a bundle of joy and energy with her friends but seems so reserved in my presence. I sometimes worry that I’m doing something wrong, but then she’ll ask me to read to her or spend time together, confirming that she indeed values my company—even if she struggles to express it verbally.
Recently, my father visited and noted how similar Lily is to me at her age. I was taken aback. “Really?” I asked, bewildered. “I don’t see it. She’s so quiet and keeps everything bottled up.” He reminded me that I was once the same way, which kindled a flicker of hope that one day she’ll open up like a floodgate.
I’ve reflected on my own journey to find confidence, and I sometimes think my exuberant personality might be overwhelming for her gentle spirit. Yet, I’m committed to being patient as she discovers that I can be her safe haven. I’m learning to be more attuned to her needs to reduce our clashes. But honestly, it’s a daily challenge.
Last week, after a particularly tough day with Lily, I found a sweet note on my pillow. It read, “Mommy—Thank you so much for making dinner, buying me things, and just being my mom. I love you!” It was a reminder that I need to resume our journaling sessions. There’s so much left unsaid between us, and I believe that despite our contrasting personalities and the frequent silences, we’ll navigate this journey together in our unique way. I am the mom she needs.
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Summary
In this heartfelt reflection, Emma Thompson shares her challenges in understanding her daughter, Lily, as they navigate their differences. Despite their contrasting personalities, Emma remains committed to fostering their bond through patience, journaling, and open communication. Ultimately, she realizes that their unique relationship is valuable and that she is, in fact, the mom Lily needs.