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Even as a ‘Gentle’ Parent, I Know Tough Love is Sometimes Essential
If I had to put a label on my parenting style, I’d call it “easygoing.” Sure, I lose my cool from time to time—what parent doesn’t? But generally, I lean towards gentle guidance and mutual respect with my kids. They understand that my partner and I are the final authority in our household, though we’re not dictatorial. We engage in discussions, listen to their thoughts, and allow them a significant voice in their lives and our family decisions.
Most of the time, this approach works really well—most of the time, that is. Occasionally, kids dig in their heels for reasons they can’t even articulate. Sometimes they test the limits to see just how far they can go. And there are moments when circumstances force us to push them to do things they’d rather avoid. Sometimes, tough love is required.
Now, I’m not referring to the everyday must-dos, like strapping into their car seats or brushing their teeth—those are non-negotiable, especially when it comes to health and safety. I’m talking about instilling character and good habits. While I wish I could say that being a positive role model and fostering a loving atmosphere is enough to ensure our kids make great choices, that’s not always the case. And while I’d love to claim that kids can learn everything through natural consequences, that’s not entirely true either.
With older kids, it might involve neglecting chores after a reminder or hesitating to attend commitments they’ve made. Sometimes, talking it out does the trick, but there are times when they need to be told outright that they simply have no choice. They might need to hear, “I’m not allowing you to slack off on this; you’ll regret it later,” even if they protest in the moment. Or, “We’ve mentioned repeatedly that the cat box must be scooped daily, and if it isn’t, we’ll need to find the cats a new home where they will be cared for” (don’t worry, we wouldn’t actually rehome our cats, but it certainly gets their attention).
At times, we need to be firm and stand our ground. They require reassurance that we won’t let them fall victim to laziness, discomfort, or even anxiety. Sometimes, they need a metaphorical kick in the rear to help them establish and maintain healthy habits.
Determining when to switch to the “tough love” mode can be tricky. I often assess whether there are emotions that need addressing or stressors at play. I explain why certain rules exist or why we want them to do something, ensuring they understand its importance. Only when I sense they genuinely need a nudge—because we all do from time to time—do I put on my “serious parent” face and lay down the law.
Knowing your kids well helps you gauge when they need firmness versus when they can have some leeway. The real challenge arises when they think they want one thing, but really need something else. Those moments are tough for me as a parent—when my child is upset and insists they need something that I know isn’t in their best interest. Tough love can be particularly hard on us soft-hearted parents.
But after 16 years of parenting, I’ve honed my instincts pretty well. After any difficult conversation, I always debrief with my kids, and they usually—well, almost always—recognize that my approach was necessary. When I’ve made mistakes, I’ve owned up to them directly. Generally, our kids appreciate that we set high standards for them.
Fortunately, this method has led to kids who rarely require a heavy hand. Thank goodness, because I’m not a fan of being the enforcer. I believe tough love should be wielded sparingly, paired with open dialogue and plenty of nurturing affection. When you have a solid relationship built on trust and respect, those tough love moments resonate more deeply. They can be seen and felt as the expressions of love that they truly are.
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In summary, while my parenting style leans towards gentleness, I recognize the essential role of tough love when necessary. Balancing firmness with understanding creates a foundation of trust and respect, allowing our kids to thrive.