Sunshine poured through the windows of our beach cottage in North Carolina as I gazed at my mom back in 1990. “Mom?” I called out, but all I got was silence. Her head was buried in a worn paperback, one hand resting lazily on the page. “Mom! I want to do puff paints!” I whined, with a bead of sweat trickling down my knee.
“Go find your brothers and let me be,” she snapped, her eyes narrowing like a challenge. In that moment, I vowed to never trivialize my own child’s desires the way I felt mine had been dismissed.
Fast forward to now, and as a mother of three, I’ve broken that promise over and over. While it stings to remember feeling unimportant, I’ve come to see that sometimes, a little tough love is necessary. This contrasts sharply with a popular parenting mantra I both adore and detest: “Listen to everything your children say.” Catherine M. Wallace famously said, “If you don’t listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won’t share the big stuff when they are older.”
I genuinely strive to connect with my kids, validating their feelings, yet I firmly believe that making them think their every whim is paramount can actually do them a disservice. Julie Lythcott-Haims, author of How to Raise an Adult, warns that treating children as if they are the center of our universe can hinder their ability to develop essential life skills. Overindulgence could even lead to narcissistic behavior, as a 2015 study suggests.
Dr. Emma Reed, a developmental psychologist based in San Francisco, explained that self-esteem is rooted in a child’s ability to navigate the world independently. Those who exhibit abrasive behavior often hide feelings of inadequacy beneath the surface. If unchecked, these feelings can lead to narcissistic tendencies manifesting as disorders, or simply create self-centered individuals who crave constant validation.
Finding Balance in Parenting
So how do we strike a balance in our parenting? Dr. Reed notes that while infants should feel like our world revolves around them, that focus should shift as they grow. By preschool age, children should know their desires are important, but not so much that they overshadow everything else in a parent’s life. Otherwise, they might learn that they can’t function without us.
When we give in to every demand for attention, kids fail to learn the difference between asking politely and making demands. Setting boundaries encourages them to act in ways that foster self-respect and healthy relationships. But, of course, a lack of ever hearing “yes” can also lead to issues. The goal is for children to understand that everyone’s needs vary, and sometimes theirs will come first, while at other times, they won’t.
Recently, while boarding a flight from California to New York, my 7-year-old spotted some chic little kits in first class. “Can I ask the flight attendants if they have extras?” she eagerly wanted to know. After she returned empty-handed, she pleaded to try again. “Mommy, please!” she begged. I shook my head, distracted by my 5-year-old who was busy coloring on his tray table with washable markers.
After a few rounds of negotiation, as we finally prepared for takeoff, my daughter shot me a look filled with indignation. “You are the meanest mom in the world!” she declared dramatically. “I know, sweetie,” I responded, knowing that the most important promise I made years ago was to raise a child who understands that while their feelings are valid, they don’t always take center stage in the world.
For more insights on parenting and emotional growth, check out this article from our other blog here.
In summary, being a good mom sometimes requires embracing the role of the “meanest mom in the world.” Balancing affection with the necessity to teach kids about boundaries can foster their independence and self-esteem. By setting limits while still validating their feelings, we help them grow into well-rounded individuals who understand that their world is not the only one that exists.