Becoming a mom was a dream I held dear, but I never anticipated the avalanche of germs that would accompany the joys of parenthood. I certainly didn’t envision my future kids throwing up in public places or the frantic dash my husband and I would make at 2 a.m., each of us tending to a sick child in separate bathrooms.
As a kid, I had my quirks, but I never worried much about germs until I became a mom. Suddenly, I found myself surrounded by pint-sized germ factories. I often ponder how long it will take for my little ones to learn the art of blowing their noses and using the toilet correctly. Spoiler: we’re still waiting.
It felt like I morphed into a germaphobe overnight, constantly counting the days until the next stomach bug strikes (spoiler alert: they never truly go away) and praying the school never sends home a note about a lice outbreak (it totally has). If you think being a mom and a germaphobe can’t coexist, I’m here to tell you that they absolutely can. I’m living proof, and I know there are other moms out there just like me. I’ve spotted you at the park, armed with shopping cart covers and handing out hand sanitizer like it’s candy. You might be a germaphobe mom if you:
- Feel like you’re playing Russian roulette when selecting a shopping cart. You’re standing there, weighing which cart might have last been used by a kid who sneezes without covering their mouth, praying you choose the “safe” option.
- Could easily run a hand sanitizer factory from your purse or car. I have at least two bottles of liquid safety in my bag, plus wipes. My car features a giant pump from Costco, and there’s always a bottle on the kitchen counter.
- Rarely eat after your kids or let them eat after you. Sharing a water bottle? No way! Kids, you better pack your own drinks for the park trip, because I’m not risking whatever contagious concoction you might be brewing.
- Wish you could don a hazmat suit when entering a public restroom. Instead, you find yourself whispering commands to your toddler while you pee: “Stand still, don’t touch anything. Hands in pockets. Hold your breath if you can.”
- Feel like you’re stepping into a biohazard zone at a children’s museum. You go for the kids but ensure you schedule a week of recovery time afterward for the inevitable germs they’ll collect from the community toys. You scan for coughing kids and steer yours away, hoping the germs don’t reach you.
- Have trained your kids to head straight to the sink for handwashing after school. Sorry, kiddos, but hugs come after the hand-scrubbing ritual.
- Quarantine your child when they’re sick. You don’t cuddle; instead, you offer sympathy from a safe distance. “There, there, my little one. It’ll be over soon.” Meanwhile, you’re mentally calculating how quickly you can wash up afterward.
- Avoid play zones in fast-food restaurants like the plague. Just hearing the term “ball pit” sends shivers down your spine.
- View doorknobs and public surfaces as breeding grounds for germs. Your kids know better than to eat off public tables and have mastered flushing toilets with their feet since potty training.
- Feel a wave of panic when your child mentions someone threw up in class. You want to perform a ritual to ward off sickness, knowing deep down they’ve probably already caught it. You start focusing on deep breathing and envisioning a serene place.
Yes, it’s exhausting being me, but it does get a little easier as time passes. I’m aware that hand sanitizer isn’t the ultimate solution, and you might roll your eyes when I offer it to your kids. I know my children’s immune systems might be weaker because I’m trying to shield them from every germ out there. However, if we’re out together and that picnic table looks particularly grimy? Don’t worry, mama—I’ve got your back. Let me grab a sanitizing wipe from my purse for us both.
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In summary, being a germaphobe parent comes with its own set of challenges, but you’re definitely not alone. Embrace the quirks and find comfort in knowing that many other moms share your experiences.