The day I discovered I was having a son was overshadowed by a troubling moment in U.S. history — the day George Zimmerman’s release on bail reminded us all of the harsh realities surrounding race and injustice. It was a stark reminder that even the youngest among us are not shielded from a world filled with hatred and ignorance.
Before this life-changing news, I had always identified strongly as a feminist. As a woman of color, I found inspiration in the womanist writings of Alice Walker and Delores Williams. I actively participated in campaigns for equal pay and stood alongside Planned Parenthood Action Fund in New York, advocating for women’s rights. My upbringing as one of two daughters raised by a single mother shaped my focus around women’s issues. But everything shifted once I became a mother to a boy.
After giving birth, like any parent, my thoughts immediately turned to the future. I envisioned the challenges my son would face and the man he would grow to be. Would he be strong, sensitive, creative? I hoped to raise a young man who respected women and recognized their crucial role in society. However, I soon realized that boys also need to understand their value and fight for their own rights to equality. This awakening challenged and ultimately reshaped my understanding of feminism.
The Reality of Boyhood
One day, while shopping at my local Target (a place that usually brings me joy), I stumbled upon a glaring disparity. My son was three, and I was on the hunt for his first pair of “big boy underwear.” To my shock, the boys’ section was significantly smaller than the girls’, nearly bare while the girls’ area overflowed with options. It hit me: the boys’ department was lacking, and this was a reflection of how society sometimes overlooks the needs of boys.
My thoughts turned to the broader implications of this observation. I began to wonder if the fight against toxic masculinity was inadvertently sidelining the needs of boys. Feminism, I realized, must also address the miseducation of masculinity. After all, the true adversary of women isn’t men as a whole, but rather those who have been misled about what it means to be a man. As I navigated these revelations, I found myself defending not only women but boys as well, starting with my own son.
Boys face their own set of challenges: they can suffer from eating disorders, are often overlooked when it comes to mental health support, and are at higher risk for suicide and substance abuse. I had previously brushed these facts aside, but with my little boy in mind, they became personal and pressing.
Creating Space for Emotions
One of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned as a mother is the importance of allowing my son to express his emotions. While it’s easy to intervene when his tantrums escalate, I’ve made a conscious effort to provide him the space to feel sad, frustrated, or angry. I encourage him to take a moment to process his emotions, assuring him that he can share them with me when he’s ready.
I also teach him about personal boundaries. If he doesn’t want to hug a family member, I stand firm against any pressure to comply. This approach aims to dismantle the outdated notion that boys must “suck it up,” allowing him to embrace his emotions without fear of judgment. It’s fascinating to see how even at a young age, children can articulate their gender identity, whether they identify as trans or cis.
Feminism and Masculinism: A Unified Approach
Mothering a boy has taught me that feminism cannot exist without a focus on masculinism. Every feminist issue is intricately linked to the problem of hypermasculinity. As we navigate a world where empathy seems to be in short supply, it’s crucial to raise boys who are conscious, compassionate, and self-accepting. Boys who grow up feeling secure in themselves are less likely to engage in harmful behaviors towards women or seek validation through dominance.
If we, as feminists, are committed to empowering our daughters, we must also uplift the boys they will encounter. My journey starts with my son, and I hope to instill in him the qualities that will allow him to stand up for what’s right, regardless of how it affects him personally.
In conclusion, the lessons I’ve learned on this journey of motherhood have reshaped my understanding of feminism. Fostering a new generation of boys who understand their emotions and recognize the value of equality is crucial for a better future.
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